Alternative Religion. Join the Hare Krishna movement. To fit in, you need only a pink rayon robe and a long shock of hair on the back of your head, which is not a problem with my baldness pattern. They shave the rest of your head and everyone's happy. A bonus is the swell performance opportunities in front of the Coop on Saturday nights (I want the tambourine) and the "delicious 10-course vegetarian feasts" advertised on the little leaflets they hand out.

Politics. Get involved in the environmental movement. Wear a bandana, get a hackey-sack, hug a tree and you're home free. Relive the glory days of FOP. As long as you're close to nature, nobody will ever question whether that doo rag hides hairy temples or not.

Science. I'm not referring to medical miracles; I'm talking social isolation. Become a pre-med or a science concentrator and you can spend your four years at Harvard living peacefully at Cabot Library and the rest of your life in a dungeon lab. You'll be among others whose hairlines have been pushed way back by the stress of taking organic chemistry. You'll find that nobody will notice whether you have hair or not. You'll find that nobody will care.

GRANTED, I'm talking about bigtime lifestyle changes for the sake of a few strands of hair. But as far as I'm concerned, this baldness thing is a matter of principle. A matter of youth.

This much is clear: the battle for my scalp has begun. It won't be quick, easy or painless. But in the end I will win. Thick, wavy curls of brown hair will once again cascade over my youthful scalp.

Say, what was that toll-free number again?