Push what? Beat what? They never tell you.
Instead, Satan bends her knees ever so slightly to the music. One millisecond later, she shouts out instructions for maneuvers developed for 1970s martial arts movies.
Dazed, I immediately fell four beats behind the rest of the group. My main problem was that whenever Satan changed leg motions--from right kick/searing pain to left kick/searing pain, for example--my arms would drop to my sides.
And when she told us to do something different with our arms--such as "dislocate you shoulder! two! three! four!"--I would lose control over my legs and go crashing into the wall.
Towards the end of the session, I began following Satan's commands with unquestioning obedience. No longer did I evaluate each shout as an independent request, subject to numerous interpretations and scholarly debate. To stay in rhythm with the music, I had to act before thinking.
Herein lies the true danger of aerobics. Society can withstand the few injured bodies and broken souls of status-seeking aerobisizers. But what happens when instructors utilize the mental power they exert over Harvard students, particularly during the left leg kicks" Will they take over the world?
SOME say that it is better to do aerobics with an experienced friend--someone to give you courage, strength, the will to go on, blah, blah, blah.
I reject this argument categorically. It was a friend of mine--a true "Thursday Thumper"--who had initially lured me into the aerobics class. I shall call her by her real name Shelly, although I am tempted to call her Judas.
Every few minutes, Shelly felt compelled to offer some words of encouragement, in the following manner: "Keep up the good work [giggling]. Only 30 [giggling] minutes left [massive giggling]."
Shelly did wonders for my selfconfidence.
You could do aerobics with dozens of your best friends and still be too sore to go to the bathroom for days. And I'm only talking about "low-impact" aerobics. "High-impact" aerobics, as I understand it, consists primarily of slaps to the face and neck.
After my traumatic experience, you may wonder how I can still give such an unbiased assessment of aerobics.
It is called journalistic integrity. As a member of The Harvard Crimson, nothing interferes with my reporting of the facts.