Yes to seminars. Seminars boast small classes, big-name professors and no grades. Plus, four out of five students surveyed said their first-year romances began in a seminar. (Survey based on the 3 percent of students who had first-year romances.)

No to Expos. Expos joins death and taxes as a must for first-year students. However, do not buy the "required" book written by Expos administrator Richard Marius. You won't open it. If you really feel compelled to enrich Marius, you can always send cash.

So there you have them: the keys to a perfect first year. By June, you will ooze friendliness towards anyone or anything remotely related to Harvard, making you a safe bet for membership in the Crimson Key Society.

Just remember that if things are going badly, they'll probably get worse--unless you do something about them.

If you are enraged by falsely labeled Union food, boycott hamburger extra-vanganza and venerable vegetables. If you are tired of doing homework, take a break and wait in line for basketball courts. And if you are sick of meeting interesting people, go to final club parties.

In the words of the eminently quotable Radcliffe President Linda S. Wilson, "Explore. Celebrate. Learn. Play."

And brush and floss regularly.

Joshua M. Sharfstein '91 has never been punched by a final club. He routinely shares his neuroses with Crimson readers in his biweekly column, "Joshin' Around."