Saturday, October 28, the Stadium: "There's no way we're falling for the Crater trick,' says Princeton Coach Steve Tosches before the game. The Tigers don't but they do fall for the tie-their-shoelaces-together-while-they're-not-loo king gag. It works perfectly and Art McMahon streaks down the sideline for the winning touchdown. Harvard 29, Princeton 24.

Saturday, November 4, Providence:The Ivy League suspends Brown from league play for having the most annoying mascot in the Ivies.

"We've been warning them for the past 15 years," one official says. "They just ignored them. We were going to be lenient, but when that doofball started doing Denny Terrio impersonations during halftime, that was it. Have they no shame?"

Harvard wins by forfeit.

Saturday, November 11, the Stadium:Penn Coach Gary Steele convinces Coach Joe Restic to forget about the football game Wrestling would be much more entertaining for the fans.

Restic agrees, and Crimson defensive lineman Mike Murphy pins his opponent with a patented Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka leap from the top rope.

Harvard wins the Ivy title.

Saturday, November 18, New Haven:President Bush orders Yale Coach Carm Cozza to let him start at quarterback. Cozza concedes, most likely because he's reached the point of desperation with his offense.

Bush looks solid in the first half but can't drive the Elis into the endzone.

With the game scoreless in the fourth quarter, Harvard defensive back Bobby Frame blitzes from the weak side. Catches Bush by Surprise and sacks him in the endzone. The President's glasses crack and his three-piece suit gets smothered in mud

The Crimson wins, 2-0.