So put on a jacket. This is a holy war. The weather won't stand in our way. In fact, the aforementioned Adams House sorceress plans to call for a hurricane. Rejoice in the storm! The 150 m.p.h. winds--ordered to blow in the proper direction, of course--will turn the measliest Harvard screen pass into a potential 30-yard gain. We won't even need to tackle Yale's running backs, as the wind will push the Elis back into their own end zone for a Harvard safety.

"New Haven is ugly."

Hogwash. Sociology majors should relish the opportunity to examine first-hand the finest example of American slum. Architecture buffs should jump at the chance to view decaying pseudo-Gothic buildings.

New Haven is a cultural center, as well. The Yale Whiffenpoofs prove to all of us who sing in the shower that even if we have no talent, we can pretend to achieve musical greatness. The Yale School of Drama has given the American entertainment industry such enduring idols as "Fonzie" from "Happy Days."

And where else but in New Haven can you look out your window any time of day or night and witness a genuine mugging or purse-snatching?

"We're going to lose anyway."

Blasphemer. Sinner. A pox on thee and on thy children's children. May you choke on a wishbone. Thou shalt be cast unto the deepest pit of the abyss. And there shall rise a foul beast, a beast of the sorrowful appellation, "Benno." And in the seventh fire of the seventh hell shalt thou be tormented by the unrepentant spirit of Brian Dowling. And your skin shall be as pigskin, and your heart pierced by the spikes of vengeful Harvard guard Doug Rosenberry.

"Hockey vs. Princeton."

Don't be foolish. Hockey is nothing more than a...a...Is Melrose playing? Wait. Hold on. Taxi! Hope I can make the train. I still have a few hours. Don't start without me. You're not a black hole...

Editor's Note, Part II: For those unfortunate souls unable to attend to today's Game, the Sports Cube, with the help of The Crimson's Executives-to-be, will publish a special extra edition to be distributed at the dining halls during the evening.