Wife Nancy continues to make Leona Helmsley seem as good-natured as your Aunt Libby. My Turn, the long awaited tell-nothing autobiography of the woman who "shared a bed with the President" is finally being released. Thank God. I'll need something to tide me over between Roseanne Barr's memoirs and Zsa-Zsa Gabor's sure-to-be-published account of her incarceration.

In Nancy's book, we, too can learn how to make astrology work for us. But that's about all. Want to know if Nancy had too much power in setting Reagan's agenda? Want to know why she was so obsessed with her husband's image? Or why she backed out of supporting a drug-treatment clinic when local residents objected to the facility? Don't buy the book, because you won't find out.

But don't leave yet, the show's just beginning.

Former Admiral John Poindexter was just granted permission to use the ex-president's personal papers to prove that Reagan authorized several arms-for-hostages deals. Poindexter wants to prove that he did not initiate the Iran-Contra fiasco. Who did? Wait for the Reagan Diaries.

Can we start assessing the damage yet?

No, wait, there's still Secretary Samuel Pierce and the HUD scandal. Savings and loans continue to hemorrhage red ink. And after 10 years of investigation, the Wedtech scandal has finally put Edwin Meese-chum Robert Wallach behind bars.

I USED to think the final credits were rolling for the Reagan Horror Picture Show. But thanks to a few unresolved scandals and the Reagans' unwillingness to retire into obscurity, devoted fans needn't go through the troublesome process of repealing the 22nd Amendment.

Just when I thought it was safe to read the front page...