Like Rambos who shoot at anything colored red, regardless of the different shades, these ignorant people are dangerous. However, there is hope for them. It is never too late to educate them, to show them the benefits of Quad life.
THE intelligent, on the other hand, should receive no sympathy. They had their chance in the housing lottery to put Cabot, Currier, or North first. But no, they just had to pick Adams, Winthrop, or, ugh, Eliot.
They knew that the Quad is just as close to the Science Center as Mather and Dunster. They were aware of the Quad's most spacious and elegant living accommodations. While Riverlings are crammed into closet-sized doubles, we at the Quad enjoy space, space, and more space. Most residents have singles in newly renovated suites that include skylights, carpeting, private baths, saunas, room service from Floyd's Soho Grille, and a view of the expansive Radcliffe Quad, which is filled with content residents skipping with joy to their classes.
Intelligent people can only be jealous of our plush and elegant lifestyle. They must live in the hustle and bustle of Cambridge, while we Quadlings can escape Harvard proper and take shelter in our pleasure resort hideaway. The studious Riverlings must run around from library to library, while we can find all of our reserve readings in Hilles (which has its own grille along with free juice, candy, and xerox machines). And River residents must trek to Hemenway Gym to play squash, while we can just cross the street to the QRAC. No wonder they're envious.
Do not pity the jealous. They are lost causes and must bear the burden of living by the River, without the amenities of Quad life. They may realize their blunders, but they must live with their mistakes until they graduate.
Quadlings of Harvard unite! It is time to put an end to Quad-bashing, once and for all. Give the ignorant and the jealous a little taste of their own medicine by banishing them to the tunnels without a map. The next time you see a river rat lost in the Quad, tell them you're sorry and then let them scurry away into oblivion.