Witness #7: Akeem, taxi driver (One of the more infamous episodes in this scandal occurred when former National Security Advisor Robert McFarlane went on a secret mission to Iran, bringing with him a cake and a bible for the Ayatollah. The question in Iran was, who ate the cake? The Holy Court spent days trying to determine the culprit--following what the Tehran newspapers gleefully called "The Trail of Crumbs"--until the investigations led to Akeem, the person who drove McFarlane to the airport.)
D.P. Mani Sadr: So what did the devil say to you when he gave you the cake.
Akeem: He said, "Who would have thought that Khomeni is watching his weight?"
D.P. Mani Sadr: And you took the cake?
Akeem: Well, the tourist trade was pretty slow then, and since the Revolution, there just haven't been any good bakeries in the city.
(The Chief Justice sentenced Akeem to be maimed with a blunt kitchen instrument, the limb to be named later.)
Witness #14: Ali Jawani, special assistant to the Ayatollah for Anti-American affairs
D.P. Mani-Sadr: Did the Ayatollah know and approve of your dealings with the Great Satan?
Ali: He was busy praying for a plague of locusts to descend on the Soviet Union. I didn't want to disturb him.
D.P. Mani Sadr: For two years?
Ali: It takes a lot of locusts to eat Siberia.
D.P. Mani Sadr: Ali, how could you do it? How could you make concessions to the American devils?
Ali: Sir, I resent that. I hate Americans as much as anybody. You just don't understand. At the time, I thought we could get arms from the Americans and then use them to slaughter thousands of innocent Iraqis; it just seemed like a neat idea.
Chief Justice Ayatollah Reza Laza Meza: Young man, we do not have the reputation as the most hateful nation on earth for nothing. The world expects us to bomb and maim, not to get ripped off by a bunch of satanic Americans. I sentence you to three years of hard labor pulling the food out of Khomeni's beard. In addition, I declare a national week of prayer. During this holy period, I would also encourage citizens to spit on pictures of the new Head Satan, George Bush.
Before the supporters of Pointdexter and North become too disheartened, it should be pointed out that Iranian experts hailed the Holy Court's decisions as moderate and progressive. Boiled cat intestine in their judicial system is probably the American equivalent of a one year suspended sentence at the Betty Ford Clinic. Besides Pointdexter and North still have one great advantage over their Iranian counterparts: There is no lecture circuit in Iran.