.DON'T let the public assess your competence.

.DO make necessary promises, even if you can't fulfill them.

.DON'T attempt to perform while overly intoxicated.

.DO refuse to answer, on the grounds of unfairness, any questions to which you cannot think of a convincing lie.

If Gary follows these rules, then he should have a happy, healthy sexual relationship free from trauma, blackmail, and lingering death. If he does not, he may run into trouble.

LET'S IMAGINE, for the sake of illuminating the esoteric and misunderstood field of sexology, that Gary makes a mistake. He fails to check if he's being tailed by reporters, and his tryst winds up on the front page of an imaginary paper--let's call it the Miami Z-Herald. What should he do?

At this point, after the good advice of his sexologist has either been forgotten or ignored, Gary is caught between a rock and a hard place. Simultaneously he must try to convince the voters that a) He had a beautiful woman in his home, but did not sleep with her, and b) He is not a homosexual.

Frankly, there is no prescribed formula for such a difficult situation. Sometimes, the worst is bound to happen. For example, when the popular TV evangelist Rev. Jim Z was caught in just such an affair, the public wound up believing that not only did he have sex with the young woman in question, but that he was a homosexual to boot. And there was little that a platoon of Marines in the large communist country Q could do to save their jobs.

Still, it is not for the sex therapist to despair--that is a task for old, fat, or ugly people. It is under dire circumstances that the mettle of great men proves itself, and in grave danger that the most bucks are to be made. Above all, one should always remember that the situation could always be worse. I mean, at least Gary didn't drive off a bridge with the girl.

Rutger Fury, former private secretary to TV's sexy Heather Locklear, used to be a journalist but now peddles sex tips for dough. He is a close personal friend of Jeffrey J. Wise.