THE GALA event continues for three full days of old-time religious spiritual harmony highlighted by the acts of megastars Jimmy Swaggart and Pat Robertson. Yet although "Oral Aid" proves successful from a spiritual standpoint, in the end the event manages to raise only $6 million.

More is needed, and time is running out. Desperate for his life, Oral attempts to bargain God down.

"How about a one million dollar gift-certificate to McDonalds and a trip for two to Hollywood? No? Well, how about a sort of layaway plan--say, 10 thou a year for the next hundred years at four and a quarter percent interest...I'll even throw in my new Juice Newton album..."

Just when it seems that Oral is doomed, fate, in the form of wealthy greyhound mogul Jerry Collins, steps in and saves the day.

"I figure our businesses are kind of similar," Collins is rumored to have said. "We both attract large masses of people, take their money away, and still somehow leave them desiring to return. Besides, it's a tax write-off."

The national media gathers at a press conference at Oral Robert's palatial estate to witness the final money exchange. Oral publicly accepts the certified check and thanks his savior. He then leaves the conference with the cheek to "deliver the goods." In a few minutes Oral returns with a smile on his face.

"God has accepted the funds and will spare me! Spare me that is, provided I promise to use His money to buy myself and even bigger mansion, a larger jacuzzi, more servants, more limosines, and one of those nice polyester suits..."