"Chuck, Chuck, Chuck," I gently admonish him. "It's the '80s. A girl today's looking for a relationship that lets her breathe-express herself. She's looking for her man to love her right without holding her too tight-know what I mean?"
The prince looks at me coldly. "She's my wife, and I can cut her head off if I want to. And, by the way, who are you?"
"Rutger Fury is my name, Your Supremacy. And sexual fulfillment is my game."
WELL, THE long and short of it is that ultimately I was unable to help the Royal Couple with their marital problems, and by extension, failed to obtain ancestral rights to any portion of the Queen's lands. But my trip was not a complete failure. I was able to buy a watch with a picture of Big Ben on it and one of those furry hats English guards wear. And, more than that, I think I learned a valuable lesson:
Never recommend the Japanese basket trick when the future Queen Mother of Britain is within earshot.
Rutger Fury, former national political writer for The National Enquirer, is a close friend of Jeffrey J. Wise.