Before I can do anything, though, Ramon the headwaiter butts in. "Excuse me, Mr. Commyovich," he says. "If you wish to remain on the premises, you must pay your tab."

Commyovich goes white. "What, uh, does it come to, garcon?"

"Let me see," says Ramon, pulling out a calculator. "Your countrymen have been rather lax about their financial obligations to the United Nations. There's $28 million you owe for the regular budget--you know, for everyday items like tips, office supplies, kickbacks, and bribes; $172 million for peacekeeping in Southern Lebanon."

"Peacekeeping in Southern Lebanon? What peacekeeping?" Buddy interjects.

"It wasn't kept," explained Ramon. "I don't recommend U.N. proposals, sir, I just pass along the bill. And you also owe $25 million for miscellaneous peacekeeping expeditions."

Buddy is looking pretty flustered. It looks like he hasn't got the cash on him, and is dreading having to ask the waiter if he'll accept an Eastern Bloc credit card. "Let me see," he says. "How about the peacekeeping we've been doing on our own in Afghanistan? Don't we get some credit for footing the bill there?"

"I'm terribly sorry, sir," says Ramon, "But when different members of the U.N. are funding opposing forces in a conflict, the expenses must be billed seperately."

Buddy starts to stall. "Well, we'll be glad to pay our debts," he says, "But if do, will you let us join in on the...uh, peacekeeping...operations in the Persian Gulf?"

Ramon smiles, sensing the ruse. "Currently, sir, the affair in the Gulf is a private function. Just because the U.S. and all the European members of the U.N. are there, you oughtn't get the idea that it's open to the public. Should the general membership of the U.N. be invited, you will see a notice posted on the bulletin board in the foyer."

"Fat chance of that," says Buddy under his breath. He had the look of a defeated man. "O.K., Ramon, you win. Come with me and I'll get you a bank draft for your money."

"Thank you, sir," said Ramon as the pair walked away. "That will be $225 million. And remember--gratuities are accepted."

When they were out of earshot, Willie began to laugh. I asked him what for.

"It's a good thing the Russkies will be up to date on their debts," he says. "'Cause we still owe over $400 million."

"You're joking," I said. "So how come we Americans get to sit around the coffee shop and run up that kind of tab?"

"What are you, kidding?" he says. "We own the clubhouse."

Rutger Fury, former national political writer for The National Enquirer, is a close friend of Jeffrey J. Wise.