Conversation Two: The surmountable Work Conversation. The two participants approach each other just like any run of the mill Harvard Conversation One, but without warning something goes horribly wrong and suddenly the interaction diverges radically.
Starting normally, Person One: Hi, how are you."
Then Person Two, for some bizarre reason that baffles even the most delicate instruments of modern-day science, decides that Person One want to hear complaints about school work.
Person Two: "Well O.K., but I have a lot of work to do. See, I have this ten thousand page essay due tomorrow and I haven't started. Well, see you."
Infinitely happy that he has said this, Person Two chuckles inwardly. The dam is broken.
Person One: "Oh, well I guess it is tough this time of year. I'd help you out, but I have been assigned to recopy by hand every book in Widener Library. The whole project is due tomorrow and I haven't started, so I'll see you."
Person Two: "Yea, I know what you mean. I have work too. See, I was caught in a meat cleaver this weekend and my body was ravaged beyond human recognition, leaving me limbless and very sad. The department has decided not to give me any extensions so I have to write my thesis, which is due in 10 minutes and I haven't started, in blood. See you."
Both persons are left with an uneasy sensation in their bellies.
THE CONVERSATIONS are a sad institution in Harvard undergraduate life. Incredible though it may sound, most students actually seem to believe that they have been assigned more work than everyone else. The result is the brisk negligence of Conversation One and the grotesque verbal blood-bath of Conversation Two.
It's all right if you wish to fester in despair over homework assignments, but not in public. Complaining about work is a lethal pollutant in the Harvard atmosphere. The heinous odor seeps in every crack and crevice of the Harvard ambience, suffocating the unwitting undergraduates who dare to take enough time away from their work to breathe.
I would much rather look at people whose faces have melted off than people whose faces tell me about their over-supply of work. Did George Washington complain about his tasks at Valley Forge?
"Oh, I've got soooo many English people to kill before we can win this war, and its sooooo cold and I haven't barely started...and...ohhhhh my teeth, they are made of wood... ohhhhhh."
No, George knew a thing or two about morale. Grace under pressure and all that. So the next time you get that in satiable urge to tell someone that you have more work than them, shut up.