Hockey, men's heavyweight crew, basketball and baseball all rate as major sports, but none comes close to football. I mean, where else do you get the chance to sit in the sun all afternoon, yell obscenities about Dartmouth, get totally sloshed, and be considered normal?

Unfortunately for the sloshed Harvard fans, coach Joe Restic's usually fine squad has taken a nosedive since the members of the class of '79 first walked through Johnston Gate. After soloing as Ivy champ in the fall of 1975, the Crimson slipped to a tie for third in '76, before suffering its first losing campaign (4-5) in Restic's eight-year tenure last fall.

But don't worry: the Ivy League is the most unpredictable circuit in the nation, so Harvard's always in the race. And don't worry about having to watch a bunch of Pop Warner rejects in Ivy League football, either: the quality of play here really is quite good, even if we'll never (ever) make the top twenty.

If you starred in high school ball, don't hesitate to try out, but don't be too cocky, either. About a dozen quarterbacks try out for the freshman team each year (freshmen are ineligible for two varsity sports--football and men's crew), and at least a couple dozen high school captains will be out there.

Don't be discouraged, though. As a freshman, Larry Brown failed to earn the starting QB job on the frosh team. As a soph, he played fourth-string on the varsity. As a junior, Brownie got a break when the starting quarterback suffered a neck injury in the season opener, and went on to lead the Ivy League in passing and total offense. As a senior, Brown finds himself listed alongside the likes of Penn State's Chuck Fusina and B.C.'s Fred Smerlas in this month's Playboy as one of the top players in the East.

One last note about Harvard football: the offense is something called the 'Multiflex, which just about no one understands, except to the extent that it resembles the traffic flow in Harvard Square on a Saturday afternoon. Just enjoy it--if all works well, you'll be watching the Crimson and the multiflex beat Yale for the Ivy title November 18 in Harvard Stadium.

HOCKEY

There's good news and bad news for prospective Harvard hockey fans. The good news is that the Crimson has traditionally been one of the top teams in the nation, and four members of this year's squad have been drafted by NHL clubs. The bad news is that coach Billy Cleary's club, almost unbelievably, has narrowly missed the ECAC playoffs the past two seasons, and that the renovations at Watson Rink will mean that all home games shift to B.U.'s Walter Brown Arena. Ugh.

The club won the prestigious Beanpot Tournament year before last, though, so look for some big doings out of the Harvard ice hockey team.

BASEBALL

Harvard has gone to the College World Series four times, missing a possible fifth trip last spring when two regional playoff games took place just minutes after some players had taken final exams.

All-Americans Mike Stenhouse and Larry Brown have pro scouts drooling at Soldiers Field.

HEAVYWEIGHT CREW

If you're any kind of self-respecting sports fan, you probably know of Harry Parker. If you're male, you're between the weights of 140 and 240 pounds, and you're not deformed, you probably received a letter from Harry Parker asking you to try out for his crew. According to different descriptions, Parker is the coach of the men's heavies, God, or some combination of the two.

In any event, Parker's career coaching record is 70-7 (match that, Bear Bryant!), and the Crimson either wins the national title each year or leaves people wondering why they did not.