(Teletype clicking in the background for dramatic effect)...We interrupt our regularly scheduled column to bring you this special bulletin from the Sports Cube Hot Line.

In a startling announcement during his coffeebreak yesterday afternoon, Dr. I.M. Nuts, part-time University Health Services psychiatrist and second-string batboy for the North House softball team, revealed his discovery of a new mental illness affecting many college students.

Prep School Immunity

Nuts explained that students who attended a public high school before college are often severely deficient in their knowledge of the sport of crew. He added that those with a private school education are usually immune to the illness because their schooling often filled this sports knowledge deficiency.

Nuts called his new disease "Crew Anti-jockism," adding that those afflicted with the condition tend to become nauseous, violent, introverted or sleepy when people around them begin to discuss crew.

The doctor attributed the condition to a neurosis that results from the feeling of inferiority occurring because of a person's lack of crew comprehension.

R.U. Crazy, Burger King Professor of Psychology and Parallel Parking, yesterday outlined two common situations that indicate a person is suffering from the newly discovered disease.

Classic Symptoms

"Take a typical lunch at the Union for example. Belinda, a charming young woman from Very Ordinary High School in Kansas is sitting with her boyfriend, Horace Albertus Magnus Gordon III. Horace and his friends begin to talk about ergs, their catch, and the abundance of crabs they caught in the last race. Immediately Belinda begins to gasp for breath, her eyes bulge, she rips at her hair and then blows bubbles in her milk. An obvious case of Crew Anti-jockism," he said.

He added, "Don't think this condition strikes only females. Just the other day I was watching a regatta from the Mass Ave. bridge when I noticed Lee with a female friend. The young lady was discussing the previous crew race in quite technical terms, and Lee was searching through his pocket-sized 'Tips on Cool from the Fonz,' looking desperately for a reply to the young lady's rhetoric."

"He was obviously frustrated, and wanted to impress his friend," Crazy added, "but when he asked how someone had time to eat crab during a race, she laughed in his face and walked away. Then Lee started chewing on the pavement, and I knew he too was suffering from the disease."

Dangerous Remedies

Both Nuts and Crazy confirmed that many students who had no pre-college knowledge of crew have avoided the disease by joining their crew team and learning the sport. However, Nuts warned that this method of prevention can result in addiction to the sport or premature death due to overexertion.

In an effort to eliminate the affliction Nuts and Crazy have developed an introduction to crew which will become part of next year's required Expository Writing course. Expos coordinator, Stu Dents Cantwrite, explained yesterday that the crew course will last about two weeks and will, through the use of a specially prepared text, introduce students to basic crew vernacular.

Cantwrite said that this introductory exposure will help students"fake their way through a conversation on crew so that they won't feel inferior."