Commonly believed to be the longest thesis submitted by a Harvard undergraduate, Kissinger's tome has in fact been outsized several times since 1950.

The most voluminous of these exceptions appears to be a Social Studies thesis submitted in 1974 by Susan Eve Haar. Although composed of many short sections, her honors thesis--called "Moving From Cheer to Joy, From Joy to All: Ten Radcliffe Women Twenty-Five Years Later"--runs a total of 450 pages.

PAHK THE CAAH IN HAHVAHD YAHD--This little ditty mimicking the nuances of the Boston accent is based upon a mistaken notion that few non-Harvard people realize. Any vehicle parked in the Yard for an extended period of time--as a great many Harvard students can attest--will be towed away.

PHI BETA KAPPA--The oldest of exclusive organizations at Harvard has not always been the inactive body of top-notch students that it now is. Imported to Harvard from William and Mary in 1781, Phi Beta Kappa was originally an awesome secret society with rituals like those of the ancient Mayans. Along with shocking spiritual rites, the society acquired a touch of the commercial during the early 1920s. A complete display of post cards, novelties and souvenirs were sold at the cigar counter in the clubhouse, and during the baseball season, scores were posted daily in the luxurious club rooms.

ROOSEVELT, FRANKLIN DELANO--The 32nd U.S. President and class of '04 graduate is inscribed in the World War Memorial Plaque hanging in Memorial Church under the phrase "Those who Gave Their Lives." Although FDR didn't die in the line of battle, the University asked that his name be placed with those who had. The war, they rationalized, had precipitated Roosevelt's death.

SCIENCE CENTER--The architectural atrocity is not modeled after a spider, or a lunar module, or any manner of unidentifiable creatures from outer space. It is actually an enlarged facsimile of a Polaroid Land Camera, honoring the man who donated a fortune to build the science center. A rare breed of benefactor, Land asked that the monstrosity not bear his name, so that no one could identify him as the donor.

SWIM TEST--The widow of Harry Elkins Widener donated her husband's huge fortune and impressive book collection to the University on two conditions: the first, that not a single brick be removed from the Widener Memorial Library, and the second, that every freshman be required to pass a swim test in the IAB pool. Mrs. Widener felt that her son, who died tragically in the sinking of the Titanic, would have lived had he known how to swim.

But as most seniors who neglected to fulfill this second requirement their freshman week at Harvard will soon discover, the University will not withhold a diploma from any senior who has failed to successfully dog-paddle his way across the pool.

(Every original Widener Library brick remains intact. To honor Mrs. Widener's first request, the annex to Lamont Library was connected to Widener through a window, so as not to upset a brick.)

THEN, NOW, FOREVER--Only one family in America has had ten successive generations graduate from the same college, and it is not the Mathers, or the Winthrops, or the Adams. The family name is Saltonstall, and its college is Harvard.

WIDENER LIBRARY--The 50 miles of shelves and two and a half million books which comprise this building render it not the third largest library in the world, but the fourth. Outstacking it on a world scale are the Library of Congress in Washington, D.C., The New York Public Library, and the often overlooked Bibliotheque Nationale Francaise in Paris. Widener is the third largest in the country.

YOU CAN ALWAYS TELLA HARVARD MAN, BUT YOU CAN'T TELL HIM MUCH--Draw your own conclusions.