SJ: Good idea. Um, shortsheet their beds, that sort of thing?

Egil: [Expletive deleted]. No wonder you Democrats can't win anything. Seriously, SJ, I thought you wanted a professional, you know, a real job done on these [inaudible]. Right?

SJ: [Unintelligible].

Egil: Okay. Well, then, here's what we do. They go on vacation, right? You turn off the heat in all their rooms until the, you know, the pipes freeze. You could do that, right?

SJ: Well, sure, we could, uh, we could do that, but it would--

Egil: Just let me finish, okay? You tell everyone it's to conserve energy, but the pipes burst, everything floods, you know? Ruins everything--soaks their stereos, turns their [expletive deleted] pot all soggy, you know? [Laughter] You see what I'm driving at?

SJ: Uh, yeah, uh-uh. You got a cost estimate on that?

Egil: Sure, let me show [inaudible] beauty of it is, we have to go in there to, uh, clean up the mess, right? Clean up--[expletive deleted]. We could read anything, burn anything, we could put holes in the [expletive deleted] walls, you know?

SJ: Well, that might be going a little too far. Still, [Unintelligible] You got anything else?

Egil: Oh, baby, do I. Listen, you got someone, uh, a friend at HSA, right?

SJ: Hm. You're thinking, what, infiltrate the laundry, something like that?

Egil: [Pause] Listen, I was thinking more about that, uh, that charter coming from the West Coast, you know? We could [unintelligible] Baltimore, New York, back to [unintelligible] and could circle for at least [unintelligible] New York for a while, then fly up [unintelligible] uh, Providence, you see what I mean? Meanwhile the luggage is searched and sent to [unintelligible] never, uh, never see it again. What do you say?

SJ: Well, uh, let me go, uh, up, you know, uh, let me take it to the top, uh, we'll see what [unintelligible] Okay?

Egil: Right. But the best part [unintelligible] final exams. First [unintelligible] that calendar, room numbers, times, course numbers, the works. We could really do a number on [inaudible] Especially the pre-meds [unintelligible] and in the drinking water.

SJ: [Pause] Well, look, I'll get back to you, okay? On the exam thing. Meanwhile see what you can do about [inaudible].

I TRIED TO pursue the matter further with Ralph the next day, but he was no longer living at home. Apparently when his section-man--who reminded Ralph ominously of Donald Segretti--refused to grant an extension for the twenty-five page English paper which was sitting neatly typed and bound in plastic in California, they checked Ralph into UHS. No visitors allowed, the doctors said.