"I'm sorry," I replied. "Dan has disappeared without a trace." I hung up, relishing what I imagined must be the other's consternation, shock, chagrin.

Dan, who later turned out to have been vacationing with a friend in Raleigh, N.C., could not possibly have enjoyed his disappearance more than we did.

For a period of about two weeks, I got stoned every night. It quieted and calmed me in approximately the same way as being kicked in the head by a mule.

January: There was nothing to do. Sleeping late in the morning held little satisfaction when I had not missed any classes. I had read in the Freshman Register that if I did not arrive at Lamont at opening time I could not possibly get a seat to study in. Since I never woke up until two, there was obviously no use going to the Library. I would only be assembling my notebooks, pencils, pens, mimeographed sheets and other study aids for nothing. Anyway, I had plenty of time. Imagine giving people two weeks to study for exams with nothing else to do.

During this period I started throwing up a lot.

I started my studying the night before each exam, arbitrarily deciding which book for each course was most important, taking it with me to the Straus Common room. There I would flip the book open and read for 25 pages. I did this four times, then went back to my room and read science fiction.

My Soc Sci 11 exam. I was told, would include a map question in which we would be asked to locate cities on a blank map. This, of course, was out of the question. What absurdity-I had not been asked to memorize a map since fifth grade.

The exam did not include a map question on the map. The professor shamefacedly apologized for forgetting it. I gloated to myself. I was really switched in to the rhythm, the ?? of Harvard. The required question asked me to explain the Meiji restoration. I had never heard of the Meiji restoration.

I asked myself: What do I think I am doing?

The night before my Russian exam, I went over to see a well-known freshman proctor and asked him to help me. Why, I wanted to ask him, can I not study? Why can I not concentrate on anything for more than fifteen minutes at a throw? What is all this?

That night, however, the man was throwing a party for all the other proctors. They were all very, very drunk.

"Come see me tomorrow," he said. "How about two o'clock?"

"Sure," I said.

Of course, I did not go. The exam was over by then.

February: The Union had really reached me. I never, never, never ate dinner with anyone I knew. Going through the serving line, finding a table, I kept my head down, ignoring the occasional acquaintance who waved me over to his table. I bolted my food, choked on a cigarette, and ran out. Eating this way, I shared many tables with similar solitary figures, each of us staring at the plate, ignoring the other, eating quickly. Occasionally the other spoke. Once the guy across from me cleaned his plate and then looked up, straight up, at the ceiling.