September

Oscar Handlin, in a report issued by a committee of moderate criminologists, indicates that he turned down an offer to become police chief of Boston. "I didn't want to get involved," he declares, CBS news announces that Boston is missing. The White House says that Southeast Asia will be the 50th, not the 51st state, since Louisiana is being toweed out to sea and sunk. Local commentors blame Garrison's "sewer-side tendencies."

October

Eight Ivy League presidents, in a letteer to the White House, renew their protest of the draft. Letter is postmarked from Sweden. It is returned with the notation, "No such city at this address."

November

Johnson edges Nixon in the election 5-4, with 75 million abstentions. Early returns from urban areas indicate there are no urban areas. Johnson appoints a high-level secret panel of modeerate urbanologists to locate them. At a Cambridge press confeerence, Oscar Handlin accepts the appointment.

December

Students stage a massive "sleep-in" to protest parietals. Leeaders hail it as "tremendously successful." Radcliffe officials, comparing signouts on night of the demonstration with those on previous evenings say there was "no detectable increase." Oscar Handlin, in Vietnam to entertain the troops, says that a panel of moderate cryptologists has cracked the Vietnamese code. He reveals that Ho Chi Minh has suffered a near-fatal skiing accident and is sinking fast.