To the Criminal:

I have read with some interest and much annoyance the numerous communications which have appeared in your columns concerning "The Moon is a Gong". Even at the expense of giving still greater publicity to their fallacies, I am constrained to deny them all! The moon has not been, is not, and never will be a gong. Having for some time concentrated in astronomy--except on foggy nights--I feel quite free to say that John Dont Passout has taken great liberties with the moon. Speaking purely on behalf of that astral body, I wish to state that howsoever much it resembles a gong, a wash boiler, or an ash can, it assuredly IS not. Those who know anything at all about moons realize perfectly well that they are made of green cheese. Professor Wogglebug, T. E.

Extra! Extra!

The O'Connell-Ginsberg Antiquarian Expedition to Rome has brought back a manuscript of great importance to scholars and rubbish mongers. It is none other than an ancient Hearstissimus newspaper, yellow with age and other contributing causes. From its pages is taken the following contemporary is taken the following contemporary account of the combat between Aeneas and Turnus, which proves that Virgil garbled the facts in Book XII of the "Aeneid".

Into the great arena Turnus came:

Aeneas saw, and called the gods by name:

"O sweet Magnesia, Pluto and the rest,

If Nature won't I'll kill this Turnus pest!"

At this the angry Turnus hurled his spear

From Raymonds bought, and guaranteed a year;

He'd had it vulcanized in hell, you blow--

He'd had it vulcanized in hell, yoyu know--

Quite splintered was the Tuscan's oaken shaft.

Aeneas held his Trojan sides and laughed.

Then raised he up aloft on high his sword,