Becoming a “Lamonster” is a hazardous undertaking. My first (and only) attempt at pulling an all-nighter at the library slowly devolved into a pattern of dozing off, falling face-first into the study carrel, and jerking awake. Even worse, I learned at 4 a.m., was that I’d mistakenly swept my phone off the desk while asleep, and the crack on the screen looked like Harry Potter’s scar.

Worried that I would never know when the Quad shuttle would arrive, I emailed my mother. “Mom, I need a phone to study,” I insisted.

“Why didn’t you listen to us and study engineering? You could have built yourself one!”

I’m not sure that’s how it works, but thanks anyway, Mom.

I searched my pockets and found $1.25, an amount already earmarked as an offering to the laundry gods. Unfortunately, the representative at T-Mobile told me they did not accept Board Plus, and they weren’t completely sure what that was.

Out of options, I searched online for “free phones”, only to run into an article about “Obama Phones.” Having woken up at 9 a.m. the previous year to vote for the guy, I figured he owed me something in return.

“Obama Phone,” more formally known as Lifeline, is a program that, naturally, began subsidizing cell phones under the Bush administration. Most American families who have phone service pay through a 16 percent levy on companies’ interstate and user revenues, to a non-profit that helps expand access for communications services to underserved communities. This organization, called the Universal Service Administrative Company, uses its $8 billion budget to put computers in schools and libraries, enable phone companies to offer service in rural areas (which is ordinarily cost-prohibitive, due to low population density), and provide small subsidies on phone service to working-class Americans.

This last service, Lifeline, accounts for about a quarter of the budget, with roughly $2 billion in annual reimbursements. Phone companies, such as Assurance Wireless (a subsidiary of Sprint) and SafeLink (operated by Tracfone), receive $9.25 each month to offer a household phone service. Most packages offer about 250 minutes and 250 text messages monthly.

In order to guide me through the Lifeline application process to get my Obama Phone, I enlisted Hank—whose name has been changed to protect his privacy—a recent subscriber to the program. Hank is a 65-year-old man who sought out phone service to look for jobs; he can’t make rent after having been laid off from his previous job as a janitor for an area restaurant last year, and is on the precipice of homelessness.

Hank showed me his flimsy phone from Assurance Wireless as proof that he was up to the task. I suggested that we use it to call 1994 and ask if they wanted their ancient cell phone back. But Hank told me that he had been unable to use the phone thus far, because of an astonishingly cryptic activation process. In two weeks, I, too, had received a phone from Assurance Wireless, and I had no idea how to use it. Though well-intentioned, a number of reforms might help me to find a shuttle—and a vulnerable family to communicate—in 2014.

As it stands, the reimbursement structure of Lifeline should be changed. Companies receive reimbursements whether or not the phones are actually being used. This policy actually incentivizes providers to make their phones difficult to activate or use, thereby increasing profits, since subscribers are generating revenue without using network resources. Offering reimbursements based on usage, with caps per household, would encourage phone companies to play fair.

Moreover, text messages cost nothing for phone companies to send, since they involve miniscule levels of data and are sent over otherwise unusable airwaves. Reimbursements should be weighted to reflect this. Finally, companies should stop aggressively up-selling subscribers or charging steep overage fees to already vulnerable families.Better outreach will allow benefits to reach the families who need them most. Currently, the FCC estimates that only 25 to 50 percent of eligible households are accessing Lifeline services. For Hank, Lifeline means that he can follow up on job inquiries. For a single mother, a Lifeline phone can help her ensure that her child arrives home safely. The added utility in the lives of beneficiaries greatly exceeds the cost, and greater outreach will allow more Americans to share in this.

Finally, households should be allowed to apply their benefit toward subsidized broadband access. Many among the 50 to 75 percent of Lifeline-eligible households who don’t tap into the service are paying for completely unsubsidized phone service. Not all have home Internet connections, however, and the importance of web access today is hard to overstate. In many cities, broadband access at the lowest speed tier can be purchased for $20 or less per month. For no extra cost, Lifeline can also subsidize half of that, making the resources of the web available to all.

So that’s why I haven’t called, Mom—it’s Obama’s fault. Maybe once they fix this program, I’ll give you a ring.

Faheem Zaman '16 is a social studies concentrator in Pforzheimer House. His column appears on alternate Wednesdays.