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We all are fast approaching
That magic time of year
Which brings such raw excitement
And just a touch of fear.

The Yard’s abuzz with chatter
And stakes are running high
For first years will get sorted soon
And Housing Day is nigh.

But lemme tell you folks,
Things out there are getting vicious
Cause all those Harvard freshman
are like, hella superstitious.

In Annenberg, at 9 am,
I heard some first-years pout,
“Let’s cut ‘em from our blocking group.
We have to kick ‘em out.

Everyone at Harvard knows
Big blocking groups are sucky,
More likely to get Quadded,
And just all around unlucky.”

This really doesn’t make much sense
As Harvard clearly states,
What house you get is random.
Only chance can change your fates.

Then later on in History class,
My friend received a text
That made me feel a touch confused
And left her quite perplexed.

“Yo, if we wanna get a spot
In prime river locations
We need to find someone with
AEO accommodations.”

The thought behind that text, it seems,
Is something rather old
That many desperate freshman
Have repeatedly been told:

That if you block with someone
Who receives accommodations
You’re sure to get a River House
With recent renovations.

And so in an attempt to
Get a house they’d fancy more,
Some might begin recruiting folks
They’ve never met before!

But weirder still are practices
That happen after blocking.
The night before the dorm storm
Can be fun and rather shocking.

Some freshmen think that River Run
Will help improve their odds
But not even twelve rum shots
Can appease the River Gods.

Statistics have revealed that
Housing Day is based on chance
And tryna game the system
Simply won’t help you advance.

While things like River Run
Can have a quite a bit of charm,
Hating on Quad Houses,
In excess, can do some harm.

To demonstrate, on Housing Day,
Some first years are so set
On what they want and what they don’t,
They oft’ end up upset.

For if a House they do not want
Comes knocking at their door,
They’ll cry and close it promptly,
Feeling bitter to their core.

Such tears are quite regrettable,
Because, without a doubt,
Every upperclassman house
Has much to brag about!

So if you are a first-year
Who is worried ‘bout your House,
Or maybe you just wanna
Leave your triple back in Straus,

Then this will be your guide
To everything you need to know:
I’ll tell you ‘bout each House
And why each one has many pros.

‘Cause though folks like to hold
Their House in extra high regard,
Just know that every single one
Is better than the Yard.

First up in neighborhoods: the Quad.
They say it’s far away,
But nothing keeps you fit and toned
Like walks four times a day.

Pfoho has massage chairs for
When you get super stressed
And lots of fun arcade games
That will leave you real impressed.

Cabot’s got a fun café
And fancy hardwood floors.
Quad Lawn is rather lovely
And their treadmills always score.

Currier’s the only House
To bear a woman’s name.
We’ve got the greatest dhall
And house vids that change the game.

Next up, we’re doing River East
And Dunster’s quite the GOAT.
Their Sophomore house induction
Tends to happen on a boat.

Leverett is the biggest House
Their mascot’s super cute.
They’ve got the greatest river views
And such a short commute!

Mather’s got a JCR
That’s always hella lit.
With pottery and singles
Their house setup is legit.

Now we’ll move to River West
‘Cause Eliot’s got Fête,
A super fancy party
That you surely won’t forget.

Kirkland house is quirky
They are brimming with tradition.
With “choosenings” and IncestFest
They school the competition.

Finally, there’s Winthrop House
That’s newly renovated.
Their House Grille and five courtyards
Will for sure get you elated.

Last up, River Central’s turn.
Quincy’s got a Grille,
Ceramics and hot breakfast
Mean it’s sure to fit the bill.

Adams’s kinda creepy
But, like, in a fancy way.
Golden walls and organs
Are always on bright display.

Lastly we’ve got Lowell House
Its dining hall is yellow.
I think that they drink tea?
It’s nice. Kinda mellow.

So yeah, that’s all the Houses.
Gosh, there’s like, so many.
But honestly, the next four years,
You’ll hear about ‘em plenty.

Mostly, though, just know
No matter where you get assigned,
There’s lots for you to smile about
So please keep that in mind.

Don’t cry if you get Quadded.
And please don’t close the door.
Cause all the Harvard houses
Have stuff to be happy for.

Mireya Sánchez-Maes ’24 is a joint concentrator in English and Theater, Dance, and Media in Currier House. Her column “Rhyme and Reason” appears on alternate Mondays.