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There’s something special about fall. Millions of kids across the country begin school, young adults leave their families for the first time to go off to college, the leaves start to turn, and—perhaps most importantly—it’s football season.

Tell me, what’s better than a little Ivy League action this Saturday? I mean, excluding the big SEC matchup of Ole Miss and Georgia. Or Wisconsin-Michigan State. Or Alabama-Kent State. Or staring at a blank wall.

Seriously, Ivy League football is boring. Take it from the guy who has to watch all 10 Harvard football games, most of which take place during actually good college football games—like the kind that people pay money to watch on TV. Not that I’m bitter.

Here’s a thought experiment: Remember what it was like to take the SAT? You spend hours staring at this blank sheet of paper, realizing you forgot to learn trig. So you decide to sit back and stare at the clock ticking. The only respite are the snack breaks. That’s what watching Ivy League football is like.

Ivy League football is kind of like the previews at movies. Actually, check that—Ivy League football is like the part before the previews where everyone is talking instead of watching the ads.

Speaking of movies, have you ever been to one by yourself? I’d never tried it until this summer, but WOW. Really good stuff. Yeah, it feels a little weird at first. But once you get in the theater and turn off your phone, it’s like you’re in another world. When you go with people, you’re always wondering what they’re thinking. God forbid you’re on a date. Then you spend the first hour trying to figure out some move you can use to put your arm around your date. And the last hour you end up fidgeting while your arms fall asleep. Another metaphor for Ivy League football, I guess.

Man, I haven’t been on a date in a while. Something about college and work and all that. Or maybe it’s the fact that all my Saturdays are spent traveling the Northeast to watch football (shoutout to my editors). Really, who knows?

But I digress. Ivy League football is back! Let’s get excited! After a shocking opening weekend in which Harvard won and Columbia lost, we finally get some league action. So sit back, crack a beer, and get ready for some sub-par college football.

HARVARD AT BROWN

So maybe I was a little harsh. Harvard football is exciting. Yeah, all my friends will be in the stands at Bryant-Denny Stadium watching the top-ranked team in the nation battle Kent State (bold prediction: Alabama wins), but like, this is cool too.

The Crimson is coming off its third straight Ivy League title, and now the team finally returns to conference action against the Bears. Harvard has a shiny, brand-new quarterback named Joe Viviano. He’s 6’5”, fast, and reminds people of Johnny Football. (If you want to learn more, see my last article. It’s a pretty fun read. I make some really interesting comparisons, and frankly it’s just really well composed. God, I’m a gifted writer.)

There’s more, too. For the past two seasons, the Crimson has had a defense that has shut out more people than male single-sex social organizations. It’s almost like watching the Steelers in the 70s. Except, again, it’s not. But close enough.

Brown is decent this year. Quarterback Kyle Moreno put up some big numbers in 2015 when Harvard beat up the Bears. The offensive line is full of large men, meaning large enough to outweigh two Gant Players.

Anyway, the Crimson has beaten Brown for the last five seasons. None of those contests was decided by a single possession. That’ll happen again this year.