Senior quarterback Conner Hempel (14) impressed in Harvard's opener against Holy Cross, completing 11 passes on 13 attempts.

The Harvard football team’s road trip to Brown can go wrong for the Crimson in one of three foreseeable ways.

1. While in Providence, senior quarterback Conner Hempel falls in love with [indie band you haven’t heard of] before Saturday night’s game, shaves half his head, gets a nose ring, and vows to devote no more time to mainstream frivolities like playing football.

2. The lights go out early again at Brown Stadium, as they did two years ago, in what I can only imagine was part of some sort of environmental awareness initiative.

3. After running by the Brown defense for the upteenth time, junior wideout Andrew Fischer cannot slow down fast enough before running into some woods behind the stadium, where he is attacked by an actual Brown Bear.

All of those tragedies are more likely than Harvard losing to Brown on the field Saturday.

The Bears have only won the matchup twice since 1999, and based on last week’s performance, win No. 3 is not coming Saturday.

Brown opened its season at Georgetown—Harvard’s opponent next week—with a 17-3 loss a year after smashing the Hoyas, 45-7.

In the loss, Bears quarterback Marcus Fuller completed less than 60 percent of his passes, Brown runners averaged less than three yards per carry, and the Bears turned the ball over four times. 

The #struggles come after Brown was forced to replace 11 graduated seniors on offense. And it is not like the new lineup is composed of young guys learning the ropes—Fuller and most of his targets are upperclassmen who could not break into the starting 11 on last year’s team, which was 3-4 in Ivy play.

Basically, Brown’s offense is like The Bucket List: everyone is old, and I would not pay to see it.

With Brown celebrating its 250th anniversary this year, the athletic department has promised a post-game fireworks show Saturday. That is good, because the Bears will not be supplying any fireworks during the game.

Harvard, meanwhile, should bring plenty. The Crimson quietly put up 41 points in its season-opening win against Holy Cross Friday, despite playing much of the game without its three most proven weapons—Hempel, junior running back Paul Stanton, and senior receiver Ricky Zorn. 

Hempel has recovered from a back bruise he suffered in the first quarter Friday, and Stanton returns from the preseason ankle injury that sidelined him entirely in week one.

He should be able to make up for lost time Saturday. Brown gave up 250 rushing yards last week to a Georgetown team that still averages only 115 on the year. Even without Stanton, Harvard and its overpowering offensive line accrued 211 yards and three touchdowns on the ground Friday. Stanton could gain that many in the first half tomorrow, and he will finish with however many he wants.

Prediction: Harvard 45, Brown 10

Now, this is normally the point where I’d segue into looking ahead to other action around the Ancient Eight. But there is no other Ivy-on-Ivy action this week.

That means Brown and Harvard will draw the Ivy League’s full attention, like the first gangly pair to step onto the dance floor in 8th grade. Unfortunately for the Bears, the rest of the conference is going to see that Brown’s shoes are untied and its pants are a good six inches too short.

After Roger Williams was rejected from Massachusetts, Providence was established as the country’s first safety city, and Brown has carried that label proudly. Unless Hempel falls in love with Neutral Milk Hotel before the game, the Bears will likely live up to their second-class origins once again.

As for Harvard, the last time the squad was on a bus, they learned that they had won an Ivy title thanks to a Dartmouth upset over Princeton in the final week last year. Following Princeton’s loss to the University of San Diego last week, the Crimson can prove they are the class of the league Saturday with the shortest bus ride of the year. It will feel even shorter after a big win.

—Staff writer Jacob D.H. Feldman can be reached at jacob.feldman@thecrimson.com.