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Hey! I like your costume.

Hello! Happy Halloween.

Hi! Any idea where the bathroom is? It’s going to take me at least 20 minutes to unzip this thing and pee.

Hello, I see we are both wearing firefighter costumes purchased at Party City. But yours is “For Men” and mine is “For Women.” Comparing notes, it seems they sold me one-tenth of the fabric for three times the price; and furthermore I would be way more likely to immediately die in a fire; and if you wore what I’m wearing people would laugh, but if I wore what you’re wearing people would just think I’m weird.

Hello. As you can see, I am dressed as Saint Raphael as depicted by Titian, while my partner has chosen to embody Heath Ledger’s Tony from “The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus” (2009). Together this stages a powerful celebration of the ultimate triumph of paganism over western Christianity in Molochian capitalist America, as brought to its apogee in the witch festival of Halloween. Would everyone stop asking us if we are supposed to be an angel and a devil?

Hello, I am a man, and I have noticed your extremely skimpy outfit which shows your belly button as well as most of your other skin. I think it’s really horrible that in 2024 — when we might this very week elect a woman President of the United States — you’d objectify yourself and all strong, educated women. On behalf of Greta Thunberg, Hillary Clinton, and girlbosses everywhere, I demand you cease to platform your false consciousness and stop defining the very essence of being a woman as the gratification of the male gaze via dressing as a sexy SpongeBob SquarePants.

Hey! I think your cop costume is really cute, I guess I’m just a little confused because last week in section, you said that the killer police are a vestige of the state apparatus of social control, and now you are wearing aviator sunglasses and a little hat and your purse is in the shape of a strawberry frosted donut.

Hello, I am one of those people who is obsessed with having the perfect timely political satire costume, I am Trump flipping burgers — no, a floating island of garbage — shoot, actually the garbage is supposed to represent Trump voters — no, oh my God, I’m the Yankees in the fifth inning — I am — ah —

Hello. I am dressed as a pre-2022 M&M along with eight of my friends and I have had a lot to drink over the past two hours. This would be a great vibe if not for the fact that both of my parents are at the Sheraton Commander right now. Dean of Students Thomas Dunne, your “Tom Nun-ne” costume is super cute, but I really think it is a bit extreme to schedule Parents’ Weekend for Halloweekend every year.

Hello, I am a woman dressed as a sexy ophthalmologist, which is fine, except I’m kind of cold.

Hello, I am a man, but a really feminist one who loved the “Barbie” movie, and I just want you to know that when I look at you dressed that way, I can’t stop thinking about how empowered you must feel in that outfit, and what a step forward this is for strong, educated women. I think Susan B. Anthony would cry (not that women are excessively emotional and weak, or that I am implying that Susan B. Anthony is hormonal, and anyway crying is okay for everyone including boys) if she knew that in 2024, a woman would be running to be the next president of the United States, and women could vote for her, and women could also dress as sexy Benjamin Franklins if they wanted.

Yona T. Sperling-Milner is a sophomore in Cabot House studying Social Studies. Of course she has never celebrated Halloween — didn’t you know that the worst pogroms in Eastern Europe occurred on Halloween.