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Oh, hey there. Did you miss us?

We know it’s been a while since you’ve had some edgy student activism spicing up your life. And since no one else on campus ever seems to take the time to disrupt classes, skip lunch for a 12-hour hunger strike, or plan epic sleepover parties on other people’s property, we knew it was time for your friendly neighborhood conglomeration of pro-Palestine activist groups to step once more into the breach.

And if we’re being honest? We’ve missed you, too.

Not a lot of people know this about us, but we have really strong main character energy, and when Sidechat isn’t all about us we start to feel a little empty inside. There’s just something so darn validating about being the focus of constant campus attention. (Except when The Crimson publishes the name of a speaker at one of our public events. That’s just mean.)

So yeah. When at 5 p.m. on a Monday afternoon, we were weighing what next to post to our historically uncontroversial and politically effective Instagram feed, we knew it was time to give the people what they want: A righteous defense of the occasional need to kill Jewish people.

Because cheering on freedom fighters never goes out of style — not even on days that the Jews are mourning their various co-conspirators of the Zionist oppressor entity. We even threw in a call to escalate the student intifada, since everyone loves when we use that word.

Now, we know some of you are tired, and “pro-Palestinian campus organization posts something crazy on their Instagram” is getting a little stale. But don’t worry, we’re proposing a game to keep you on your toes: Take a shot every time you read “activists charge Alan Garber with genocide, on the basis of potential links between the Harvard endowment and some Airbnbs.” Take another for every instance of “administrative response provokes howls from student activists who cannot believe anyone would actually enforce rules at a time like this.”

Are you drunk enough to understand our logic? Great. Now get the alcohol poisoning hotline on speed dial, because baby, it’s escalation time.

We are asking you — begging you — don’t look away. From us. Or like a five-year-old whose mommy isn’t looking at her art project, we will dump all the glitter on the floor, smear glue on the kitchen cabinets, and throw the entire campus into a state of perpetual strife.

Because nothing says “committed to effectively shifting hearts toward our cause” quite like glorifying massacres and calling everyone who disagrees with your methods a genocide apologist. As is our First Amendment* right, you Palestine-exception-to-free-speech autocrat.

Anyway, be sure to like, follow, and subscribe. Next week we’ll be reposting that cartoon, just to see what happens!

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*The United States Constitution is a blank check for repressive activity by a fascist imperial ethnostate puppeted by the Zionist entity, both of which should be burned to the ground.

Yona T. Sperling-Milner ’27 is a sophomore in Cabot House studying Social Studies. She writes pieces like these because they really help her make friends with the other kids in her major.