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I was snuggled in my bed catching up on House of the Dragon after a particularly grueling eight-hour shift at work when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a creature run under my desk. I assumed it was one of the cockroaches with whom I share my little room — one landed on my head and escaped into my laundry bag a few weeks ago; another one scurried across the floor when I turned on the lights one morning. But a little while later, I locked eyes with a furry little beast as it traversed my carpet and snuck under my bed, smugly wiggling its long, flaccid tail.
Luckily, a quick Google search for “mice harvard” led me straight to an FAQs document about mice infestations compiled by Campus Services. Unluckily, it fucking sucks.
At the end of the day, my very lovely roommate Katie found the phone number of the Harvard Operations Center, who sent two very lovely technicians to set up traps in my room. But the document’s bald condescension stuck with me — as did the mice, who attempted a visit to our common room a few days after.
Below, I have selected the best musings from the Mice FAQ, all of which didn’t actually point to a tangible solution nor number to call, but rather provided me with a nice chuckle during my dip in the alphabet soup of Harvard bureaucracy. No comedic enhancements are necessary — here are real quotes taken from the aforementioned doc for your amusement:
“Adult rats are huge in comparison to mice, but a young rat can – at a distance – easily be mistaken (by persons) to be an adult mouse. The names afforded to these beasts in different languages further confuses the conversation. For instance, in Spanish, ‘el ratón’ translates to ‘mouse’, and ‘la rata’ refers to ‘rat’. The beasts, of course, don’t care what you call them, as long as you don’t call them late for dinner.”
“We never had mice before, why do we have them now?
Many notable Harvard alumni certainly experienced and survived encounters with mice. Although such events may not have been desired, the experiences may quite possibly have had positive influences on the graduate’s career and perspectives in appreciating nature and in responding to life’s little challenges.”
“Can’t I just get a cat?”
“There are traps around, why don’t they work?”
“The mice are causing me great stress and loss of sleep. What else can be done to help me?
Sharing your home or workplace with unwanted guests can contribute to an already stressful life. Resources are available to help manage stress, regardless of the cause. Students are encouraged to reach out for help to their residential and/or faculty advisors and building managers, as well as to the HUHS Center for Wellness and Health Promotion.”
“Philosophical Musings
Whilst we earnestly work hard to keep wildlife wild (and out of our buildings), we invite you to ponder how others perceive mice. A few notable examples are provided for your viewing, listening and reading pleasure. Enjoy!
- Harvard graduate John Lithgow (’67) recites, as part of his keynote commencement address, his own descriptions of a mouse at Harvard: Mahalia Mouse Goes to College.
- Harvard Professors Steven Pinker and Tom C. Conley and Dean D. E. Lorraine Sterritt read 'If You Give a Mouse a Cookie' by Laura Numeroff.
- Robert Burns: Tae a Moose (To a Mouse), as related by Dawn Steele. 20160620
- C.S. Lewis and his appreciation of mice: C.S. Lewis and his Mice
- Remy: Harvard’s unofficial cat: https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2018/10/harvardsremy-is-more-than-a-humanities-cat/”
I’d like to take this opportunity to point out that with a $50.9 billion endowment, Harvard is the richest University in the country. Stay mouse-free out there, and if you do see a mouse, don’t worry — as the Mice FAQ says, you can always listen to Steven Pinker read “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.”
— Magazine writer Sarah W. Faber can be reached at sarah.faber@thecrimson.com. Follow her on Twitter @swfaber.
