I understand how great it must feel to be listed ahead of Yale alphabetically; I can barely contain my excitement with our dominance over York College of Pennsylvania. I know this little win is what lets you sleep at night, but you just have to know that there are other ways of measuring which school is better.
We’re all smart here, so let’s start out with some statistics. This weekend is the 137th iteration of The Game, and so far, Yale is leading 68–60–2. Remember in 1957 when the Elis won 54–0? Neither did I, but Wikipedia remembers.
Since The Game became an official Ivy League competition in 1956, Yale has won 27 times. Do you know what other noted team has won 27 times? That’s right, the Yankees. For those of you who do not know, the Yankees are the best team in baseball history with their 27 World Series wins. They are from New York, wear blue and their logo features a Y. Their rivals, the Red Sox — obligatory ew — are from Boston, wear red and their logo features a pair of dirty, smelly socks.
I know of a liberal arts school in Connecticut that lies in the New York metropolitan area and has a logo that is a blue Y. Its rival also happens to be red, dirty, smelly and from Boston.
I am sure you have heard of Handsome Dan. You know, that slobbery, loveable little bulldog who has been the face of Yale since 1889. Dan was the pet of one of our football players, and the team loved him so much that he was raised to the podium of the first college mascot ever. Schools and teams across the country loved Dan so much that now the bulldog is the most popular high school and college mascot. Handsome Dan is a living being who we personally know, respect and admire for his professional commitment to our cause.
Now. Crimson. What is a crimson? Are you too good to say your color is red? Is it to establish dominance over noted safety school Corn-L? Yale has its own proprietary color too, but we are not known as the “Yale Blues.”
“But we have John Harvard!”
You mean a person dresses in a costume to look like another person? Is that supposed to instill fear in your opponents? Sure, bulldogs are not the biggest of breeds but they were bred to fight bulls, which I think is pretty badass.
I had the distinct displeasure of driving up to Cambridge last month to watch the Head of the Charles Regatta. My friends and I spent the afternoon in Boston watching the boats go by. After our lightweights finished first, we crossed the river and infiltrated your home.
We witnessed block after block of red brick buildings on your “campus.” How are we supposed to tell your residential colleges — sorry, I mean houses — from your libraries or classroom buildings? They all look the exact same. Yale has some brick, but we also have … not brick.
Before we headed home, we passed Harvard Stadium. The concrete monstrosity only seats 30,000 people — less than half of the Yale Bowl’s capacity. Was the incomplete bowl layout a ploy to make it look like you have a full house, even though your student body is too busy studying to ever have fun?
What a relief it was to find out The Game would be hosted by Yale for two competitions in a row — probably the one good thing to come out of the COVID-19 pandemic.
Remember the 2019 Game? You know, where we came back from behind and won in double overtime? I do not think we are ever going to let that one go.
Sure, it was just one game. But you know what? I do not slip in where I go to school in every conversation. I do not go to the quintessential stick-in-the-mud legacy school. That is why it is such a big deal to beat the obvious supervillain. If we are the underdogs, then we are exactly who audiences root for. The underdog always wins. Even when they do not win the battle, they win over the hearts.
Go, run along with your tail between your legs after we beat you again this weekend. Scurry back to the second best school in your suburb so you can get to class on Monday.
Simply put: your veritas sucks if you ain’t got that lux.
The Yale Daily News
Note: Your editorial to the Yale Daily News is 776 words long. This piece is 777.
Melanie Heller | email@example.com