Always keenly attuned to the spiritual needs of our readers, Fifteen Minutes gazed skyward this week to assess the future. The best way to consult the oracles, we have learned, is by lounging on divans with sweet Ganymede, Zeus’s cupbearer, at our elbows. And so for you, our beloved readership, we swilled white wine and consumed grapes by the handful, charting out the passage of the stars and the alignments of the planets. Here are our pronouncements.
Aries
Our mystical sources tell us that Aries is the sign of the ram—specifically, the ram from the tale of the Golden Fleece. Sundry meanings have been attributed to said fleece, but one will prove especially pertinent this month: the rain cloud. FM’s astrological experts believe that this will be an especially damp October for Arians.
Taurus
The sign of the bull descends from the myth of the Cretan Bull—the bovine father of the Minotaur. Don’t say the heavens didn’t warn you when a bull-headed babe comes tearing into your life with an appetite for human flesh.
Gemini
Head to the dining halls of your life, Geminis, because this month is your feasting month. Castor and Pollux, the twin horsemen of Greek myth, are associated with theoxenia, the rite of “god-entertaining”—and it is harvest time, after all. If you’ve been wondering whether or not to ask that special faculty member to share a cup of coffee, the stars are in your favor.
Cancer
Cancer is based on the giant crab Karkinos, known for attacking Hercules. Sucks. Honestly, your outlook for this month is so bleak that we’re going to have to pour ourselves another few glasses of ambrosia.
Leo
The Nemean Lion, Leo’s mythological forebear, fought (and lost to) Hercules in the first of the hero’s twelve labors. This month, the sun will combust both Mercury and Venus, so all may not be fair in love or war. FM predicts a steamy Saturday romance and a stinging Sunday rejection. Sadly, you’re just the first of twelve for your Herc. We know, (s)he’s a jerk.
Virgo
The original Virgo was Astraea, the last immortal left standing when all the cool kids had rocketed off to Mount Olympus. Virgos tend to be a little slow on the uptake, and the upcoming lunar eclipse will only magnify that fault. Plan ahead on your Halloween costume, or you’ll be trick-or-treating over turkey come November.
Libra
Libras, it’s your birthday month, so we can tell you with absolute certainty what’s coming up for those under the sign of the scales: presents, booze, and cake. The fulfillment of all of one’s earthly desires may also be on the horizon.
Scorpio
Like Scorpius, the monstrous hitman Gaia hired to off Orion, you may find yourself doing some morally iffy stuff this month. Then again, Orion kinda deserved it.
Sagittarius
Once, I dated a Sagittarian. It didn’t go well.
Capricorn
The sign of the goat can trace its roots to Aegipan, or Goat-Pan. Plutarch relayed one Roman origin story for this strange creature: the incestuous offspring of Valeria of Tusculum and her father, Valerius. Yikes. Capricorns might want to consider asking any potential paramours this month for a copy of their birth certificate. And access to their mom’s Ancestry.com account, just to be sure.
Aquarius
Hyas, the water-bearer of myth, met a sad fate when wild beasts devoured him at the riverside. He just wanted to hydrate. With Mercury in retrograde, Aquarians should steer clear of the Charles, the water dispensers in the dining halls, and probably the MAC Pool, too. You can never be too careful.
Pisces
Some say the sign of the fish derives from the form into which Aphrodite and Eros shifted to escape the clutches of the monster Typhon. The moon rules Pisces, and so, with the lunar eclipse ahead, those born under this sign may find themselves desperate to get away. Brace yourselves, Pisceans: you may have to refill your CharlieCard this October.
