Harvard claims that housing assignments are completely random, but FM has searched long and hard for the real story. Never mind the bollocks; here’s the Veritas!

* Blocking with an athlete guarantees you a river House, because Harvard needs its recruits to be near to the athletic fields. This rule does not apply to the crew team, because crew is not just a sport: it’s a way of life.

* If you have a serious allergy, you will be placed by the river because it is closer to UHS. “Green Is the New Crimson” also applies to saving ambulance gas.

* Children of celebrities will get put in Currier House, because it has the best security. (Fun fact: Harvard closed all but one of the ways into Currier when Caroline B. Kennedy ’80 was housed there.)

*Members of the squash team get to choose what House they’re in.

*If you enter your blocking form at precisely 3:17 a.m., you will enter a special group that gets first-rate housing in the secret House under the Yard.

*The Oak Club actually dictates the housing lottery, ensuring all its future members are together by the river and banishing un-cool blocking groups to the Quad—a safe distance from the members’ mighty awesomeness.