According to many so-called “experts,” the college dating scene is dead. They say students are driven only by the hook-up culture, valuing casual relationships over any semblance of commitment. But I’m here to tell those experts that they are dead wrong. I, for one, go on many dates, often with other people, and I’d like to help you become as successful as I am in the world of finding true love.

The first thing you need in your love arsenal is simple, and I guarantee if you’re reading this column you already have it: Harvard. Harvard is a chick/dude/chude (the alternate combination of dude and chick, while perhaps more accurate, was nixed by my editor) magnet. Who needs to flirt when you’ve got the Harvard brand? Now that I am twenty one, I walk into bars and just say, “Hey, I’m Brett. I go to Harvard. It’s just a little place we like to call Harvard. It’s right down the road from the school up the road from Harvard.” I then toss in the word “hermeneutics,” because, while I don’t know what it means, it’s sexy to use big words. I have yet to get a guy’s number this way, but in those few seconds between when he stares blankly and then walks away, leaving me the tab, I can feel the pure hermeneutics between us.

Once you have a target in your sights, it’s time to reel him in. Some girls try wearing revealing clothing, smiling and laughing, or lightly touching a guy’s arm. You might think this would work, but I, the expert of love, am here to tell you that this is a bunch of codswallop. Being liberal arts students, we are trained to think in terms of figurative language. We think that dating, to use a simile, is like fishing; you cast a wide net, look for the perfect catch, and entice him with worms or bits of old sandwiches. The truth, however, is that we must come down from our metaphor-laden ivory towers and realize that dating is fishing. I get lots of guys because while some people use their allure, I use an actual lure, literally hooking guys while others are just hooking up. Forget diamonds and Neil Patrick Harris: A spinning rod and fishing tackle are a girl’s best friend.

Now that you’ve got your guy, it’s time to go on a date. There are several things to understand about dating. First, make sure that he has stopped bleeding from the site of the fishhook wound. If he hasn’t, that’s a deal breaker. You want to make sure that your future children have excellent clotting abilities, and hemophilia went out of style with the czars. Next, it’s time to keep an ear out for alarm bells. In my continuing efforts to bring literalism back, I like to carry an actual bell with me so both he and I (and the rest of the restaurant/movie theater/ Department of Health and Human Services) know when I start to sense that the date is going downhill.

At this point, you inexperienced daters might ask, what sorts of things should I keep an eye out for on a first date? The best advice I have is to listen to your instincts. If something feels off about this guy Muammar because he refuses to go out in public and is constantly muttering about NATO-backed rebel forces, ring that bell loud and proud—you don’t want someone who’s too shy for some old fashioned public displays of affection. If the first thing he says to you is “you have a lovely pair of knockers,” it’s time to chime. He is clearly a considerate young man, but his inability to use a more intellectual term (like “breasts” or “hermeneutics”) shows a lack of intelligence that may get in the way of your true happiness.

I know you may be nervous about giving my techniques a try, especially since I have only guided you up through the first date. But don’t worry; the key is simply to get out there. It’s time to take love by the gills and reel it in. Once you do that, and follow all of my advice to the letter, you won’t have any trouble snagging that second date. And second dates are really what this is all about. I hope to have one someday.

Brett A. Rosenberg ’12, a Crimson editorial writer, is a history concentrator in Cabot House. Her column appears on alternate Thursdays.