Question: How do toolbags maintain the delusional sense of their own coolness that makes them, by definition, toolish losers?

Answer: By having even more pathetic hangers-on who actually think they’re cool. So thank you, Freshman Dean’s Office, for being an enabler by advertising, in your Yard Bulletin, the “Dressy Tuesday Club” that a bunch of freshmen have recently started in Annenberg.

“Ever wonder what your fellow freshmen are doing all dressed up on Tuesday nights? It’s because Tuesdays are Dressy Tuesdays! You have to eat, so why not eat in style?”

Rhetorical arguments aside, Sir Yard Bulletin, I am still left wondering: why should Tuesdays be dressy? I get this much: that if you go to Annenberg in a suit, you have a desperate desire to be noticed. But—and here is where I really begin to get befuddled—you’re not just insecure and attention-hungry in the same way that people who wear neon clothing are (and hey, we all have). You specifically want to be noticed in a suit. Why? So that a few naïve people wrongly infer that you own a hedge fund, or a trust fund, or are going to a fancy party, or are somehow a “classier” person? Everyone wants to be noticed sometimes. Dear dressy freshmen, please choose a less offensive and stupid way of being insecure.

Sincerely, FM.