Like any other patriot, you celebrate Presidents Day each year with the same time-honored traditions: you chop down a cherry tree, hold a Presidents Day coloring contest in your place of business, and read the Gettysburg Address in the quiet of your home. But when you’ve exhausted all the super sales and “Lincoln was gay” jokes, keep the good times rolling by calling your friends over and getting drunk with the most badass president who ever set foot on Air Force One: Harrison Ford, a.k.a President James Marshall.



TAKE A SHOT…

1. Every time the President ices a terrorist with gratuitous heroism.

2. Every time the President smooches a woman who is not his wife.

3. Three shots when you hear the Yale joke (it’s super clever). Optional “heyooo!”

4. Every time passionate stares are exchanged between the terrorist captain—played by Gary Oldman—and his right-hand man, Andrei—played by Peter Parker’s grouchy landlord in the “Spider-Man” movies.

5. Every time you find yourself thinking, “Barack would never do this.”

6. Every time you find yourself thinking, “McCain might have done this in his younger days.”

7. Every time one of the sketchy Soviet terrorists sneaks a peek at a skirted woman climbing a ladder.

8. Every time a decision of Vice President Glenn Close is ignored because she’s a woman. We’ve come so far since 1997.

9. Every time we are supposed to understand that the president is cool because he likes sports. These include numerous references to his precious baseball glove.

10. Five shots when a mention of the baseball glove coincides with a testicle joke.

11. Mormons and pregnant women: drink every time the President kills a terrorist and feels sorry about it (Hint: this never happens).

12. When the President takes a break from kicking ass to see if there are any tasty beverages in Air Force One’s cooler. Use this time to replenish your own drink supply and make sure the UHS emergency number is on your speed dial.

—William P. Hennrikus