The freshman advising system at Harvard has come a long way. Freshmen today have an academic advisor to help with
By Julia M. Spiro
Sep 24, 2008
The freshman advising system at Harvard has come a long way. Freshmen today have an academic advisor to help with course selection, a proctor to mediate roommate squabbles, and a peer advising fellow to mentor them in undergraduate life. But most upperclassmen would agree that there are certain things they wish someone had told them their freshman year: How to navigate through the new, exciting, and confusing world of college hook-ups. So freshmen, before you get your panties in a twist, or lose them altogether, take a look at FM’s guide for avoiding awkward sexual encounters... and what to do after you have one.
The most basic rule that every freshman should follow is be discreet. No matter what, or who, you did the night before, don’t announce it while waiting in line in Annenberg. “Be secretive,” says one wise and weathered junior. “Because people are just meeting each other and they want to gossip. If you give them something to talk about, they will talk about it.” You’ve got four years to develop a reputation, so there’s no rush. Remaining inconspicuous, however, can seem impossible at Harvard, which is why it is essential to master the inevitable “walk of shame” (“stride of pride”?). Limiting your hook-ups to other freshmen makes this experience slightly less cringe-worthy, since the dash home stays within the comforting confines of the Yard. One technique to remain slightly more inconspicuous is to always travel with a long coat to hide everything—or nothing—underneath. Another, albeit riskier, tactic is to embrace your state of post-romp dishevelment and say with a chuckle to a suspecting acquaintance, “Oh, you know me, I just had a crazy, ridiculous one-night-stand orgy! See you in class!” Your boldness will shock the witness to the point that they assume you are joking.
And then there are some hook-ups that even the slickest sleuths should avoid at all costs. “Dormcest” is always a bad idea. If things go sour, your 4 a.m. vending machine visits will always be wrought with the fear of bumping into your ex-lover buying Diet Coke for a new honey, or using the basement dryers for something other than drying clothes. Plus, dorms are mini-Harvards—word gets around pretty fast, and nobody wants to be the year’s “Holworthy Ho” or “Thayer Slayer.”
Another situation to avoid entirely is hooking up with the roommates of past flings. Although Harvard hotties tend to travel, and thus live, in packs, it is best to choose one and stick with him or her. A drunken trip to the bathroom might result in the return to a familiar, but wrong, bed. And of course, don’t hook up with your own roommate either—that should be self-explanatory.
You should also be prepared to lose more than just your dignity after a hook-up. Once the sun starts rising, illuminating all the flaws that were somehow hidden hours earlier, the impulse is to simply get out of that room ASAP. The result is often the loss of anything from underwear to jewelry to ID cards, and whether you get them back or not is really up to you. If you desperately need that blue scarf or Red Sox hat, then send a Facebook message to your partner in crime and ask them if they would kindly leave it in their door slot for you to pick up. Otherwise, consider your belongings a sacrificial parting gift.
Possibly the most important piece of advice is to be respectful of your roommates. Just because your half of the bunkbed might feel like a cozy sanctuary does not mean it actually is. Your roommate might wait until graduation to tell you this, but they can always hear you. ALWAYS. And don’t think you’re being respectful by moving things into the common room. Your roommates will eventually realize that the mysterious stains on the futon are not from Chinese takeout.
And if these guidelines seem too complex to follow, you can always just take another junior’s advice: “Don’t have sex in college. Just don’t.”
Whatever choices you make, just make sure to respect yourselves and the other person (or people) involved. Oh, and one more thing: wear a condom.
