Hey Joe Sixpack! Can I join you for a bit? Bartender, get us some Bud Light while it still tastes American.

Listen Joe, I need to tell you how much I envy you. I envy you because your adopted last name now symbolizes masculinity and patriotism rather than “beer belly.” I envy you because you can hunt animals and have a higher alcohol tolerance than I do. Mostly, I envy you because you thought Aaron Tippin’s “Drill Here Drill Now” was a great song, something I may never be able to do.

But we need to talk, Joe. Remember how you were the centerpiece of this election only a couple of weeks back, when Sarah Palin was actually winking at you? Those were good times, but now it seems that another Joe has usurped all the attention.

Did you know that “Plumber” isn’t even the guy’s last name? He’s not even licensed, doggone it! And his real surname is Wurzelbacher. Now Joe, doesn’t that sound like some kind of Arab Communist name to you? I know it does to me. So why the heck is the GOP, our GOP, suddenly so keen on this guy?

I guess it’s because they don’t care about us anymore. I’m no socialist Joe, but it would be nice if my job wouldn’t get shipped off to China or if someone could stand up to those Wall Street types. It would be great if I could get a raise, or keep my health insurance instead of crossing state lines looking for a new one. Heck, with these gas prices I wouldn’t cross state lines for cheap booze. And you have to read all these pages of fine print to buy insurance. Page upon page of reading—that isn’t American Joe!

But the real issue here is that Sarah’s left you for Joe the Plumber. And that’s because she’s a maverick, and like all mavericks she’ll do exactly whatever the polls tell her to do. Palin winked at you and now she’s smiling at Joe the Plumber, but really they’re all just waiting for Joe the Banker to get better.

Now don’t cry Joe. I know it’s sad that Sarah Palin played you like that, but as you crack open your seventh Bud let me ask you this: have you thought of getting revenge? Let’s vote for Obama, Joe. Not because of that universal healthcare nonsense; I know we’ll never get sick too. Not even for human rights or a more inclusive foreign policy; I’m not sure what those things mean either. Let’s vote for him just to get back at McCain and Palin.

Now I know you’re worried Mr. Sixpack, but I’m here to clear up all these misconceptions about Obama. Does he kill babies? No Joe, he hunts them, and dang it Joe if you say you’re against hunting I don’t think I can call you an American. Is he going to raise your taxes? No, but he might raise Sarah Palin’s! Did Obama pal around with domestic terrorists? Maybe when he was young, but that just shows what a tough kid he was. Is he black? Can you even see in color after eleven beers?

I guess I can now count on your revenge vote for Barack Obama, Mr. Sixpack? I’ll have to get going then, because ACORN pays me according to number of registrations. I’ll probably put in your name twice; it’s not like anyone reads these things anyway. But remember sir, now that Sarah’s winking at Joe the Plumber, we’re going to show her who is boss on November 4th, right? Joe?

Joe?

Bartender, did he actually empty all those cans? What a patriot!


Rajarshi Banerjee ‘11 lives in Currier House. His column appears on alternate Tuesdays