One day last week, I logged into Facebook and came across a group entitled "Students for the Secession of New England (SSNE)." Intrigued by the title and atrocious acronym, I clicked to see just what this group was all about.

Their manifesto claims that New England is a “bastion of sanity in a nation of crazy,” and it ends by stating, “WHEREAS we believe in the socially progressive values espoused in the Northeast: we will advocate, through means violent and non-, for the secession of the New England states from these ostensibly United States of America.”

Essentially, the group continues in a well-established New England tradition of masturbatory affirmation of the region’s alleged superiority to “a nation of crazy.” While this particular Facebook group appears to exist on a somewhat joking level, the entire gist of its premise permeates this area of the country so fervently that I’m pretty sure most New Englanders do profess to live in the last “bastion of sanity.”

But SSNE got me thinking. If New England really hates America so much, it should just leave. Honestly, I think America could live without Connecticut, Rhode Island (not actually an island), Massachusetts, New Hampshire, and Vermont. It is rather unfortunate Maine would have to go—they seem pleasant—but as a nation, we could recover.

As I nearly yielded to the temptation to create a “Students for the Forced Secession of New England” Facebook group, I came up with multiple justifications for why New England would not be missed.

First, y’all ain’t nice. Perhaps the cold weather prevented the youngsters of New England from learning proper manners, but something about this area of the country has caused an entire population to morph into curse-wielding morons. Just two hours in Harvard Yard—where one will likely hear “pisser” or “faggot” abounding amongst other disgusting words and mannerisms—is enough to make you yearn for old-fashioned Southern decorum.

Next there’s the politics. New England politicians are no more principled than other politicians just by virtue of being in an area of the country that has falsely assumed an identity of progressivism. It is awfully strange that Boston, which prides itself on blue liberalism, is basically a segregated city. Don’t believe me? Take a walk through any Boston public school and then head a few miles south towards Roxbury.

Yes, the former governor of my native Texas will probably go down as the worst president in the history of the nation. But John Kerry, the botoxed, windsurfing senator from Massachusetts, will go down in history as the imbecile who couldn’t beat George W. Bush.

And lastly, there are the famed sports teams of New England. To put it bluntly: they suck. The Celtics have reached such an astounding level of crapitude that I would wager Paul Pierce contemplates skipping practice every day of the year. As for the Patriots, was anybody outside of New England upset when they blew the AFC championship game back in January?

The Red Sox, on the other hand, won over the hearts of America with their stirring run to the World Series in the fall of 2004. Flash forward two years and they’ve got a team salary of over $142 million, and they plunked down $51.11 mllion for Japanese pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka. Congratulations BoSox fans, you’re rooting for the new Yankees.

If I sound like I’m unnecessarily bashing New England, perhaps it’s because I arrived at Harvard somewhat taken aback that my Texas roots made me an enemy. I was initially stoked for leaving my Dallas residence for an area of the country that I thought was a haven of tolerance and liberalism. I was shocked, however, at the number of “I’m sorry’s” that I received upon telling people I came from Texas. Not only was I surprised, but I was offended that my entire state was viewed as just part of the gun-toting, hick-speaking, cowboy-hat-wearing South.

For a place that seems to pride itself on its intelligence, far too many assumed I was a Bush supporter who spent her days in Texas riding a horse and eating tons of beef. For the record, I didn’t vote for Bush, I’m allergic to horses, and I’m a vegetarian. And while I may use the word “y’all,” I can at least pronounce my r’s, which is more than I can say for the majority of New Englanders.

So farewell, New England. And before we part ways I must ask of you two small favors. First, please secede in a non-violent manner, after I graduate. And second—since you are so smart—please find a way to take New Jersey with you.

Jessica C. Coggins ’08 is a women, gender, and sexuality studies concentrator in Cabot House. Her column appears on alternate Thursdays.