Hot Fuzz

Celluloid Gold

Haha, wait—the British have cop movies? Don’t they, like, not have any crime there? It’s like the Vermont of the European Union. Okay, let’s set that matter aside for a moment. This trailer, from the makers of “Shaun of the Dead,” is so delightful that I’m willing to suspend my disbelief about England having anything more dangerous than hooligans knocking over dustbins in Herefordshire. Unlike most trailers, this one manages to be equal parts LOL-worthy and intriguing. I’m genuinely interested to see what the murder mystery is, even while I grin at the jokes about a fat guy falling over.



Shrek the Third

Future Uncertain

Main disappointment here? No Justin Timberlake. According to the ever-reliable source known as “the Internet,” JT is gonna be playing King Arthur in this flick. But there’s no evidence of such a delight in this little trailer. I mean, it’s sort of good, I guess. There’s a good bit with Pinocchio. And there aren’t any cringe-worthy moments. But it’s not really “funny.” Also, the trailer (and the existence of the film, itself) seems to suggest that this series has no end in sight. “Shrek”: this generation’s “Police Academy” franchise?



The Kingdom

Trailer Trash

HEY GUYS, DID YOU KNOW THAT TERRORISM COULD EXPLODE EVERYTHING AT ANY MOMENT AND ONLY JAMIE FOXX AND THE GIRL FROM “ALIAS” CAN SAVE US? This trailer isn’t exactly racist or jingoistic, but it basically relies upon every post-9/11 fear that Americans have in order to be at all relevant. If this movie were made in 1996, it would have been obviously seen as a “Clear and Present Danger”-style, middle-of-the-road action movie. But now that we live in a world where EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED, this trailer claims to be exciting and timely. Don’t believe the hype. Plus, Jamie Foxx ? Harrison Ford.



300

Celluloid Gold

Oh. Ehm. Gee. Imagine the hairiest, burliest, most butch man’s man in the world. Then imagine that guy having rough, wild sex with a male professional wrestler. Meanwhile, they’re both screaming and veins are bulging out of their necks. If you could somehow distill the purified testosterone from both of those men and put it into digital film, you would have the basic ingredients of this near-perfect trailer. Every time I watch the Spartan king yell “Madness? This—is—SPARTA!” I feel as though my balls have been ripped off. And I like it.



Black Snake Moan

Celluloid Gold

This is two minutes and twenty five seconds of pure, hard-core, home-cooked, old, weird Americana. An overweight Samuel L. Jackson, a severely beaten Christina Ricci, and a looooong iron chain. There is absolutely no precedent for this trailer. It doesn’t fit any trailer paradigm you’ve ever seen. It doesn’t show any of its cards, vis a vis who’s going to be the villain and who’s going to be the hero. All morality is up in the air, and really, would you expect anything less from the backwoods of the country we foolishly call the United States of America?



Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Future Uncertain

I want to be excited. I want this trailer to recapture my misspent youth. I want it to evoke everything that was glorious about “The Secret of the Ooze” and the vastly underrated “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III.” But… it doesn’t. For one thing, it’s CGI, which seems like a cheap ploy to cash in on what the kids love these days. For another thing, the villains (space monsters) look goofy, and not nearly as terrifying or appropriate for the TMNT as guys like Shredder or Krang. I dunno. Maybe it’s just not aimed at my demographic anymore. I feel old.