Quantitative Reasoning. Some say it’s the Harvard humanities student’s biggest nightmare. Those people are absolutely right. Any real math class—Math 1a, Math 1b, etc., etc.—satisfies the requirement; of course, any class with that many pre-meds is also bound to send any decent humanities student straight to the shrink.

That’s where Quantitative Reasoning comes in with some watered down math classes and a cushy core title. They throw “Reasoning” into the title to make the requirement sound less daunting, and it does momentarily fool some of the more unreasonable. But no matter how big a word “Quantitative” is, math can’t hide behind it.

All QR classes aim to “introduce students to mathematical and quantitative modes of thought,” and not one of them meets after 11 a.m. This is the core meant to whip the lazy literati into shape.

When it comes to selecting a QR, humanities students fall for QR 22, “Deductive Logic” like tourists fall for John Harvard’s shiny shoe. Whether it’s one nasty midterm or one nasty rub, it only takes one sticky encounter before you know better. Unsuspecting innumerates hear the class deals only with their buddy the symbol. Then they close-read the title and deduce something of their own: Deductive Logic. No numbers! Only reason! Deduce again literati: this is a class on proofs, which you’ll remember are hell. Deductive Logic is a lotta things—“a Philosophy requirement” comes second to mind, after “a bitch”—but “logical” isn’t even on the list.

QR 28, “The Magic of Numbers” boasts an “emphasis… placed on discovery through conjecture and experimentation.” Attracting the most shoppers of any QR, this class capitalizes on its nostalgic appeal—the nostalgia of patterns and prime numbers, factorials and probability. (“What’s the likelihood that two people in a class of 25 have the same birthday?” the professor coos while drawing a pretty picture on the board. “Order the same ice cream? Cheat off the same freshman?”) And let us not forget the most nostalgic bit: homework (a.k.a. busywork) assigned after each class.

Quantitative Reasoning 48, “Bits,” promises to explain the inner workings of every little electronic gizmo in your house from telephones to CDs. This class is interesting and manageable (remember the days of group projects?), unless you’re bad at quantitative reasoning, in which case, no matter how well you kept up with the problem sets and the course notes (there is no textbook), the final will bite you in the ass.

QR 20, “Computers and Computing” is the QR that caters to those with a mind to get rich quick. The class is curved to high heaven, but watch out for the slide back down. This is a class people FAIL; Professor William Bossert feels compelled to confess this on the first day. Oh sure, you’re supposed to learn how to write a computer game (as a final project, after a series of impossible programming problem sets). But at 9 a.m., you won’t be learning a damn thing.

You can postpone uncertainty itself and wait for QR 32, “Uncertainty and Statistical Reasoning,” which suits most humanities students but is not expected to be offered until fall 2007. Let’s deal with certainties first: midterm, final, final project, and ten homework assignments (four of which also include an electronic component, which must be submitted before 10 a.m. on the given due date). The class description states, “Students will learn how others think about uncertainty and risk and how better to assess uncertainty in their own lives.” It sounds like something a shrink might teach you; Harvard costs about 5,000 bucks a class, which, depending on your shrink, might be a deal.

Or, you could jump on the bandwagon and take QR 34, “Counting People: Demography and Human Affairs,” a massively popular QR. It’s a class on demography—on birth rates and mortality rates. (Viva Professor Peter T. Ellison, death to snotty TFs 1 through 6). Ellison walks you through Excel, making the twenty-page country reports manageable, and he drops the lowest of your three quiz grades. But it doesn’t really matter when your TF manages to mark everyone down to a C. The class should add an extra problem set asking a couple of interesting demographic questions: How many students are enrolled in the course? And how many attend lecture? Like most demographic stats, the disparity is shocking. The availability of lecture videos hits numbers harder than would the bubonic plague.

Oh, the dreaded QR. But do not to fear, Humanities Harvard, even if you can’t pass a course on counting people. Everyone knows the Core’s raison d’être is to provide a curriculum in cocktail conversation, and any numbers that come our way over a cold martini will be more than manageable.