Screenshots: "American Psycho"

Patrick Bateman is smoking hot. He’s doing loads of cocaine. He’s wielding a chainsaw. And he’s a Harvard alum.

It’s hard to imagine a better recipe for a film as disturbing or as darkly hilarious as “American Psycho.” The 2000 adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis’s book follows Bateman (Christian Bale) as both a Wall Street socialite and a serial killer. Ignore the commentary on greed and narcissism; you’re still left with a beautifully polished action flick and one of the most quoted films on campus.

But if that’s not reason enough to liquor up and watch, listen to Bateman describe one of his victims to Detective Donald Kimball (Willem Dafoe):

“I’m at a loss. He was part of that whole ‘Yale’ thing.”

“What ‘Yale’ thing?”

“Well, for one, I think he was probably a closet homosexual who did a lot of cocaine. That ‘Yale’ thing.”

TAKE A SHOT:

1. Each time one of the characters mistakes Bateman for one of the film’s other 1,000 white men. We all look the same.

2. Every time Bateman patronizes his secretary—calls her “doll,” derides her wardrobe, or tries to kill her.

3. Every time Bateman directs an inaudible threat towards someone. Little known fact: in addition to the Drug War and the AIDS epidemic, 1980s America faced a rash of severe hearing loss.

4. If those watching the film take notes when Bateman describes his personal grooming habits. Go Harvard.

5. Every time Bateman’s face is obscured or made opaque by the camera. Symbolism!

6. Every time an Asian person portrays a waiter, a dry cleaner, or a prostitute. Diversity!

7. If you watch the background porn in Bateman’s apartment more than Bateman himself. You have a problem.

8. Every time you mentally combine this movie with “Batman Begins,” à la Bruce Wayne paying a hooker, cheating on his fiancé, or stabbing a hobo and crushing his dog’s skull.

9. Every time someone mentions a designer brand. It’s like punch season at the Spee.

10. During Bateman’s dissertations on Huey Lewis and the News, Phil Collins, or Whitney Houston while having sex or killing yuppies. Crimson editors don’t usually write their reviews while watching themselves in violent coitus with hookers, but I’ve heard the Yale Daily News does things their own way.

11. Whenever you see Bateman’s nipples. I dunno, it just throws me off is all. Beer seems to help.

12. Every time the excuse “I have to return some videotapes” gets a character to stop asking why Bateman’s leaving a room. Try it yourself. Fail.

13. When the song “Lady in Red” comes on. Celebrate finally realizing that mediocre 80’s music has driven Bateman insane.

14. At the line, “Well, I work in murders and executions, mostly.” Run for the hills from any man who enjoys this film.

15. When the final scene of the movie arrives, and OH MY GOD, BATEMAN’S SUPPOSED TO BE REAGAN! GUZZLE! GUZZLE!

—NICHOLAS K. TABOR