Ever watched a 2x4 recite Shakespeare? If you have, it’s a fair proxy for watching Keanu Reeves recite anything.

But before he tried to wax philosophical in “The Matrix” and “A Scanner Darkly,” Neo found something a bit closer to his reading level.

“Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure” (1989) follows two guitar-playing high schoolers as they travel through time in a magic phone booth, nabbing historical figures—such as Socrates and Lincoln—to use in a history class presentation. Van Halen references outnumber complete sentences in this ’80s classic; it’s the pseudo-unintentional comedy of the last 20 years, and booze only makes it better.

So please, go buy a bottle of Beefeater, and watch this artistic atrocity unfold.

TAKE A SHOT:

1. For every “dude” or “no way,” or random guitar solo you hear—this for the fans of alcohol poisoning in the audience.

2. Every time you see something lifted directly from “Back to the Future”—like the plot.

3. Whenever Bill and Ted speak in unison. Marvel at their coordination.

4. Every time you see the movie foreshadow “The Matrix,” as when Keanu flies headfirst through a wall, mutters “whoa,” or halts bullets with his mind.

5. If someone points out that if Bill and Ted really went back to ancient Greece, there’d be a lot more pedophilia.

6. Every time you wonder why Billy the Kid is carrying around a bright red football. Seriously, why?

7. Drink until you can figure out this gem of dialogue: “Ted, you’re not dead!” “I know! I fell out of my armor when I hit the ground!”

8. If you’re the first person to guess that Ted’s gonna score with the medieval princess. Yeah, I hate the ’80’s too.

9. When Keanu refers to himself as “The Duke of Ted.” Proceed to do so in your everyday life.

10. Guzzle rum whenever the characters scream in their time-travelling phone booth.

11. Does San Dimas High School football really rule? Yes! Take three shots when the jock tries to do his history report.

12. Fifty shots for the best pick up line ever: “Hi, I’m Billy. This is Socrates. We’re from History.”

13. Every time Napoleon yells “shit” at the bowling alley. Add this to your list of things you never thought you’d see in print—or, of things you only thought you’d see in The Crimson.

—NICHOLAS K. TABOR