I’m sure we’ve said this more times than we can count: “I really don’t feel like writing this paper, so I’ll just do something else!” And off we go, closing the Word file, stepping away from the computer, determined to find something—anything—else to do. Some would have you believe that no matter what other activity you decide to take up, you’re still procrastinating, and that’s wrong, shameful, and possibly detrimental to your positive state of mind (thanks, Psych 1504). They’re only half right.

If you’re doing something other than what you’re supposed to be doing, you are indeed procrastinating. But that doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. While “productive procrastination,” even in all of its alliterative glory, may at best sound like an oxymoron and at worst an impossible dream, you can indeed make it work for you. The key is that instead of focusing on what you’re not doing (and thus being consumed by guilt and shame), devote your full attention to getting the most out of what you are doing. That way, you’ll be as productive as possible without actually doing whatever it is you’re trying to avoid or delay.

However, I’ve found that some people are somewhat confused in their understanding of what “productive” really means. The simple fact that you aren’t sleeping isn’t quite enough to make whatever you’re doing productive. When attempting to productively procrastinate, take care to choose your activities wisely; otherwise you won’t just be avoiding your assignment—you’ll actually be wasting time. In the interest of making this exam period as meaningful and fruitful as possible for everyone, and clearing up any confusion about what is or is not productive, here’s a list of those procrastination activities that will actually get you somewhere, and those that won’t.

Productive – Reading the books that you “missed” before a final. If you take this on as your productive procrastination activity, you truly have reason to be proud. You’re still doing coursework, and while reading demands considerably less thought and effort than writing a paper, in the end, both will help your grades, which is all any of us can really ask for.

Not so Productive – Reading Us Weekly. I understand that the universe does indeed seem to be falling into shambles, what with Nick and Jessica being apart and Britney inexplicably continuing to procreate, but your interest isn’t helping anything.

Productive – Taking a shower. I’m talking to you, kid who’s been living in Lamont for the past four days. Clean yourself up, and I bet you’ll be able to better focus on your work. After all, typing must be very hard when you’re all itchy and struggling to breathe in a cloud of your own B.O.

Not so Productive – Taking a nap. I’m still talking to you, kid who lives in Lamont. If all you’re going to do is sleep, then you aren’t really accomplishing much at all, are you, Lamont kid? So go home and make the desk available for someone who’s actually working, you geeky, selfish bastard.

Productive – Cleaning your room. It is the end of the year, and you’re going to have to do it anyway. If you start now, after finals are over you can just relax until it’s time to leave.

Ambiguously productive – Cleaning your inbox. There really is no good reason why this demands your immediate attention, unless you’re one of those sad souls who is consistently over quota. If that’s you, start deleting straightaway—you don’t want any study guides to get bounced while your mailbox is full of links to youtube.com and heated discussions about Social Security.

Productive – Watching lecture videos. Here’s yet another way to help your grades without actually writing anything. Just sit back and absorb.

Not so Productive – Watching “The Juggernaut Bitch” for the 90th time. I don’t care if he custom-made yo’ suit, close the browser window. In times as dire as exam period, youtube.com is not your friend.

Productive – Sending out study guides. You’re helping the masses, and you’ll be revered as a savior over email lists across campus. Except by the people who actually made the study guides—they’ll just hate you for making their hard work beneficial to lazy people who never went to class. But they don’t matter; they’re nerds.

Not so productive – Sending out emails of news articles to discuss or funny videos to watch. Not only are you being completely unproductive yourself, you’re dragging others down with you. For shame!

Ambiguously Productive – Writing your column. Sure, you’re keeping your editor from killing you and offering some pseudo-useful advice to your readers. But what about those poor fools who are kept from their work for an extra three minutes by reading it? Are you part of the problem or part of the solution?

Perhaps a bit of both. In any case, I hope that you all find the best ways possible to avoid doing your work, and that after your mediocre performances on papers and exams, that you all have wonderful summers. It’s been lovely.



Ashton R. Lattimore ’08 is an English concentrator in Dunster House. Her column appears regularly.