Et Deus suam scientiam ibi habitare fecit, et id Harvard appellavit. For those of you who are not yet Hahvahd students, allow us to provide a translation of a Truth which each Harvard student knows: “And the Lord caused his knowledge to dwell there, and he called it ‘Harvard.’” Our institution, set upon the beautiful banks of the mighty Charles River, has been a beacon of light, knowledge, and truth for hundreds of years. The oldest, and perhaps the only, true university in America welcomes you, prefrosh. We welcome the lucky few who have overcome staggering odds and grueling competition to reach the pinnacle of academic achievement: an acceptance to Harvard University.

Many will tell you to ask yourselves, “Is Harvard right for me?” Instead, the correct question is, “Am I right for Harvard?” Fear not. Your red folder, awkward mannerisms, and overfilled suitcase signal that, yes, you are indeed ready to join the ranks of John Adams, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, and Hillary Duff (extension). You are now part of the Elite.

But for the uncertain amongst you, rest assured that Harvard is indeed the only university worth your consideration. It should not surprise you that Harvard is the mostest, bestest, well endowed institution in the nation. Our long history and upstanding tradition of perfection leave us miles ahead of the competition. (Or at least several inches).

Our vast financial resources are only the beginning. Harvard has a forest. We also have a glacier. Unlike most other glaciers, the Harvard Glacier is not receding but rather advancing, and is (of course) the largest glacier in the Alaskan “College Fjord.” When filling out your matriculation card, ask yourself, “Does this school have a glacier?” If not, you are filling out the wrong card.

But there is so much right here on campus as well. Where else do the eateries remain unclosed until midnight? Where else can you relieve yourself by quite literally “going to the John?” (Now you know why the toe is shiny.) Where else, fair prefrosh, do the dining halls serve 73 varieties of chicken each week? (We recommend the chicken parm). There is no other such institution. Keep this in your minds.

Perhaps, however, you are considering other schools, such as the technical school down the street or the community college in New Haven. Stop. Right now. Imagine walking, alone, with your head down. Imagine crying yourself to sleep each night. Now realize that a technical school is not for you. Further, imagine walking off campus and being mugged. New Haven is not right for you, either.

Clutch your red folder tightly, oh genius paragon of mankind. You have earned this day, and this great institution has deigned to accept your presence. May we not find you in a gutter tomorrow, intoxicated or impregnated, but rather well rested, alive, and convinced that Harvard has chosen wisely.