With a sure-to-be blockbuster movie opening in two weeks, and fiancée Katie Holmes’s figurative cup having, literally, just runneth over with baby, there is no better time to revisit the masterworks of the one-and-only, Brooke Shields playa hatin’, Oprah-couch-jumpin’, scientology-crazed Tom Cruise. So grab the first installment of the “Mission: Impossible” (1996) franchise, sit back, and…



TAKE A SHOT:

1. Every time someone is either obviously wearing, or proceeds to remove, an identity-changing mask. Look into securing the services of a Hollywood makeup team in preparation for Mather Lather.

2. Whenever an incredibly stereotypical character appears. Surly Europeans of all shapes and sizes abound.

3. For each sighting of the “Tom Cruise Face.” You know; the one where he opens his mouth slightly, puts on a dead stare and breathes heavily.

4. Every time you see Jon Voight, because the only way to comprehend that this man co-produced Angelina Jolie is to be heavily intoxicated.

5. Every time that damn theme song starts playing in the background. This would also be a good time to burn Fred Durst in effigy for having his fourth-rate musical act make a cover of it for “Mission: Impossible 2.”

6. At every extreme close-up of someone sweating profusely. This is either a really silly way to convey tension, or an attempt to bring salophilia into the mainstream. Ving Rhames’ and Voight’s shinier moments count as well.

7. When you see Emilio Estevez. Why? Because he’s Emilio Estevez, son!

8. Every time some technological “marvel” like file sharing, AIM, e-mail, or compact storage media is presented as if it’s something special. Man, the 90’s were cool.