America knows no boundaries. Its denizens are all a bunch of filthy, immoral, sex-obsessed individuals who will stop at nothing to corrupt our nation’s youth.

This became shockingly clear to me yesterday morning when I went to CVS to buy more poster boards for picketing University Health Services (UHS). I was shocked and enraged to see that what I had once thought was just an innocuous convenience store is now part of the conspiracy to promote promiscuity among teenagers.

CVS participates in the unrestricted sale of items that blatantly encourage sexual activities among impressionable college-age consumers. These items, as everyone knows, are for the use of married adults, but just anyone can waltz into the drugstore and buy a package—even several packages!—without presenting a valid state ID or even a marriage license. I can hardly contain myself any longer—I demand a boycott.

CVS needs to stop selling diapers.

Everybody knows that diapers are used when a married man and a woman love each other very much and need something to bundle their little baby up in so that he does not soil his jumper. However, the availability of diapers in a pharmacy that caters specifically to college students promotes the idea that just anyone can be having sex and babies, with or without love, with or without marriage.

Today’s teenagers are extremely susceptible to peer-pressure, and all they want to do is fit in. Teenagers see boxes of diapers in the CVS piled up to the sky, and they assume that diaper use—and therefore sexual activity—is acceptable behavior, and will probably make them “cool.”

On top of that—and this I hardly need to mention, because everybody already knows—sexual paraphernalia, like diapers, do nothing but promote promiscuity. I read that on the Internet, which means that it is true. If you don’t think that’s enough proof, here’s something for you, Mr. Skeptical: Although CVS sells over a dozen different brands of diapers, it sells exactly zero Bibles. You would think they would at least have the decency to offer a different option for teenagers who might not have completely fallen to the wiles of Satan, but CVS is clearly only interested in providing more sustenance for the sexual feeding-frenzy that is our nation’s youth. If that’s not a liberal extremist conspiracy, I don’t know what is.

Yet another one of the great dangers regarding the sale of diapers is that it gives teenagers a false sense of security about sex. Teenagers feel that they are magically immune to the consequences of having sex as long as diapers are available on the shelves. They do not see the costs of sexual activity, just the availability of the safety net that is the diaper. Well, teenagers, here’s a newsflash: 100 percent of the people who buy those diapers either are or have already been pregnant. Or incontinent. That’s science.

Teenagers should be learning about alternatives to sex, like abstinence. Instead, our society just hands them a package of diapers and tells them to have a good time. If we do not boycott diaper sales, there will be no more civilization, no more scientific advancement, no more morality. There will only be 6 billion people humping each other. Join the fight, Americans: today, they’re selling diapers, but tomorrow they could be separating church and state.



Sarah C. McKetta ’09 is a Crimson editorial comper in Grays Hall.