Dear Sara,

I’m Type A for anal, and I’m trying to make an itemized list of things I need to enjoy The Game this weekend. It’s really hard. So far, all I have is “self, blockmates.” Plus, I’m lazy and there are more entertaining things I could be doing. Could you just list some things for me instead, since it’s kind of your job?



—Lazy in Lowell



Lazy, your existence perplexes me, but I’d be glad to help you out. There’s nothing more inconvenient than trekking all the way back across the river to put on the “Yale Sucks!” pants you special ordered and then forgot about, so planning ahead can really help. In order of importance, here are some things that will help any Crimson fan make the most of the weekend:

1. A coat or blanket. You may laugh now, but when you’re doing shots of some unidentified alcohol just to stay warm because you’re frozen to a stadium seat, you’ll wish you had thought to wear something under that hilariously snide tee shirt. Weather.com says it’s going to be 57 degrees at best on Saturday, somewhere between a heavy shirt and a jacket for most people, assuming it’s sunny.

2. Your ID. Thanks to those charmingly-accented Boston police officers, you ain’t boozing without it. And that’s a government ID, for those of you who thought your brother’s old gym membership card was going to pass muster.

3. A flask. Now, just so we’re clear, the rules are that outside alcohol isn’t allowed at the tailgate or in the stadium. That said, if you’re clever, the viewing of sub-par college football (or sub-par outdoor grinding) is greatly improved with a little liquid enhancement. If your body revolts at the thought of unadulterated vodka or gin, try flavored liquor. The 99 schnapps line (try 99 Oranges) is ideal for such purposes.

4. Binoculars. Useful for watching Clifton Dawson’s expressions during gameplay, also for spying out potential hookups. Don’t forget to check out the Eli side as well; after the fourth quarter, they’re fair game, especially if they win.

5. Condoms. Because consolation sex is fun, and you’re not going to see him/her again until next year, right?

6. Common sense. I’m not talking about staying on the right side of the law with this whole new “no underage drinking” thing Harvard’s got going. I’m not even talking about not peeing in a field because the line for the Port-a-Potties is too long for your drunken bladder to comprehend. I’m saying, let’s not fall for any Yale pranks this year, folks. Alumni, I’m looking at you—no undergrads I know were part of that debacle two years ago. Shameful.

7. A copy of Basic Vision (Snowden, et al). For those of you who also made the mistake of enrolling in a science core with a midterm the Monday before Thanksgiving.



Cheers,

Sara







Dear Sara,

I have recently found myself on some academically shaky ground, and it’s taking a real toll on my inbox. Everyday it piles up with reminders of my failure: worried TFs wondering why I missed the past three sections, irate professors demanding office hour visits, senior tutors wanting to “sit down and talk.” I’ve been over quota for a week now, but FAS still won’t bounce my e-mails back! The worst part is that I’ve reached the point where I can’t even open these terrible e-mails anymore—I just let them sit unread in my inbox for days at a time. I’ve tried to get friends to read them for me, but their patience has finally worn thin. How can I handle the inevitable failure that awaits me every time I log on to pine?!



—delinquent@fas



Delinquent, let me extol for you the virtues of a gmail account. Now, recent allegations of a Google-CIA link may have you worried about those revolutions you’ve been planning with your blockmates, but with a little caution, there’s no reason not to make the switch in perfect confidence that your civil liberties will remain intact. Not only will gmail provide you with the holy grail of internet communications—an absolutely spotless inbox, but its system of filters will allow you to divert those troublesome “academic” e-mails into a special folder, where they need never trouble your twitching, bloodshot eyes.

In addition to filters, might I also recommend gmail’s vacation auto-responder for the academically distressed? With it, you can program gmail to generate an automatic response to each and every email that you receive, creating the illusion that you are actually a functioning human being. Something like, “Dear friend, I’m currently undergoing a personal crisis and will be unable to respond to e-mail until my meds kick in and/or the ad board asks me to take a semester off to prevent a complete breakdown” really saves a lot of time and stress on your part, not to mention generating some sympathy, goodwill, and possibly flowers from your acquaintances.

Other added benefits of this truly economic e-mail system include a chat feature (which can be disabled to prevent unwanted contact with tech-savvy TFs), automatic spam filtering, nearly unlimited storage capacity, and a delightfully exclusive “invitation-only” system of adding new users. E-mails from your FAS account can easily be forwarded to gmail, and you can instruct gmail to respond as though you were using your FAS e-mail address, so no one need know that you’re slowly divorcing yourself from the world of academic and extracurricular obligations. Perhaps best of all, google’s smart-ad system transitions nicely to their e-mail server, providing hours of entertainment with invitations to try everything from crocodile repellent to ESPN.com, depending on your correspondents and their subject matter. All in all, gmail provides enough entertainment and privacy features to ensure that you never have to be bored or in contact with the academic authorities again.







Welcome to the future,

Sara



—“Dear Sara” runs on Mondays this semester. Send letters to DearSara@thecrimson.com. Letters will be published anonymously.