What’s beef? According to Biggie, it’s when you need two gats to go to sleep. A guide to the strapped and insomniac of 2006.

6. Stephen Colbert vs. The Decemberists

The Decemberists were put on notice/blast after the Report’s host accused them of stealing his idea for a green screen video challenge. Portland, OR’s own (holla!) fired back with a counter-challenge; not to be outdone, Colbert quickly responded with a counter-counter-challenge.

Winner: Draw—for now. The score should be settled when Decemberist Chris Funk takes on Colbert in a guitar solo competition on the Report this December 20th.

5. Bloc Party fans vs. Panic! at the Disco

When Kele and co. agreed to open for and play second banana to Panic! during an extended tour, hipsters everywhere freaked out, realizing they’d have to go to concerts attended by scenesters.

Winner: A pyrrhic victory for the fans. The tour got cancelled after Bloc Party’s drummer was hospitalized for a collapsed lung.

4. Cam’ron vs. Pedophiles

Even more important than Jay-Z’s war on the world water crisis and Cristal. Killa Cam became a hardcore investigative reporter this year, although his plans to release a DVD featuring footage of his confrontations with child molestors have yet to be realized.

Winner: Children everywhere. Dipset, bitches!

3. Britney vs. Panties

Ew, y’all.

Loser: Everyone with access to the web.

2. Brandon Flowers vs. Taste

The Killers’ “Sam’s Town” ripped off all the bands that hadn’t been copied on their debut, “Hot Fuss.” Meanwhile, frontman Flowers dissed other, arguably better bands.

Winner: The Four Horsemen. This album’s actually selling.

1. Jay-Z vs. Diplomats, Jay-Z vs. LL Cool J, Jay-Z vs. Lil’ Wayne, Lil’ Wayne vs. Clipse and Pharrell, Nas not vs. Jay-Z?

And the list goes on. Epic, confusing stuff. All that’s certain: 2006 was the year of the rap beef. People are very, very angry. Also, Weezy may or may not be gay (yes homo). Jay-Z loses, the hip-hop industry loses—but those in need of thirty versions of “We Fly High” come out ahead.

Winner: Lil’ Wayne, who, apparently, is the best rapper alive.

­—Jake G. Cohen ’09 is the incoming Music editor. He’s concentrating in Thug Life, having passed Motivation 101 with flying colors.