Episode V: Dartboard Strikes Back

When Dartboard awoke after sleeping a deep slumber, Dartboard opened her eyes to a new world—a whole year had passed by.

“What happened?” Dartboard thought. Without Dartboard, who had commented on sexual shower escapades, the loss of “Super-Size,” a party shuttle to the Quad, or, most importantly, Brian C.W. Palmer ’86 stealing Dartboard’s pizza? No one, Dartboard thought, through an all-encompassing depression. Dartboard had failed—failed so completely that many thought Dartboard had died. Dartboard was ready to concede, but remembered that only Dartboard could bring back the beauty of Dartboard to people’s lives. And as Dartboard cried delicious, delicious tears of joy, Dartboard began to pen a year’s worth of thoughts:

• Dartboard was not having a particularly good day, a few months back, and as she plodded to the dining hall, she did not trust the food that awaited her to alleviate her foul mood. Yet, when she reached the servery, Dartboard was presented with a glistening, greasy surprise: the all-powerful tater tot. Bringing the tot back from its sabbatical, Harvard University Dining Services (HUDS) had found the way to Dartboard’s heart. Not that they hadn’t already been wooing her with all forms of the great potato—fries to hash browns to baked—but this soothed the Irish blood running through Dartboard’s veins. [Dartboard will not hurt you if you choose to insert your own crude potato famine joke here.]

• Dartboard was severely disturbed after trekking up to the Yard to watch Primal Scream last week. No, it was not the massive amounts of nudity that frightened her—Dartboard’s made of stronger stuff than that. Instead, Dartboard was appalled by the number of screamers running with robes held in front of them or hands over particular parts. Dartboard does not mind if you want to be simply a primal pervert and hang out on the sidelines watching the flesh go by, but if you’re going to run, please run in only the clothes that you were given at birth.

• Dartboard was fascinated by recent news stories proclaiming Senator Edward M. Kennedy ’54-’56 as a member of the Owl Club. The Kennedys are wealthy and white and hang out with wealthy, white people? Dartboard never knew.

• When Dartboard heard the College was looking to hire someone to deal with the Harvard brand, Dartboard wondered if Harvard had read Dartboard’s mind. After seeing a New York Times article on cuteness and its impact on humans a few weeks ago, Dartboard thought the University might takes some cues to make the H-bomb (the term, not the magazine) even more appealing. Dartboard wouldn’t be surprised if faculty profiles were replaced with baby pictures or if University President Lawrence H. Summers showed up at his next public appearance in a fluffy, fuzzy panda costume. Dartboard thinks that it is hard to create controversy when your presence inspires a round of “awwww”s.

—MARGARET M. ROSSMAN