Dear Nikki,

I first met this tutor at the beginning of the year, and we both instantly had an attraction for each other. Since then, we’ve spent a lot of time together, and we’ve gotten dangerously close to hooking up. Right now, I know that we couldn’t date openly because we have several friends in common, and that it would disrupt our other relationships with students and tutors . What should I do?

—Tutor Troubles

Dear Tutor Troubles,

How scandalous! How juicy! Well, here’s one thing that’s certain: spark up that relationship and you could find yourself in The Crimson more often. Just kidding.

But in all seriousness, according to the handbook for resident tutors, any “amorous relationship” between undergraduates and resident tutors is grounds for the resident tutor’s dismissal. That means not only your resident tutor, but any resident tutor on campus. Certainly tutor-student relationships are taboo, but it is a little known fact that they are strictly forbidden in the College rulebooks.

While initiating a relationship in any circumstance can be confusing, this time you may have a third bedfellow to deal with: the Harvard bureaucracy. FYI, a Quincy House tutor had to leave last year following allegations of a relationship between her and an undergraduate. So, the basic problem here is that no matter what your real feelings, the rules are clear—simple friendship: yay. Deep passionate relationship or casual sex: nay. Harvard rules prohibit tutors to have student friends with “benefits.”

But, let’s move away from these regulations and think about you for a second. You need to think about why you’re so interested in him. Is it because he is “really, really, ridiculously good-looking,” like Derek Zoolander? Are you looking for extra help on your problem sets, access to a larger bedroom, and a leg-up on graduate school applications? Are you enamored with his intellect? Or do you think this is just about the mystery?

For most people, my advice is to be open-minded and try things out. But sometimes, sadly, when the relationship cannot work in anything but the form it is in right now, there is a high probability that external complications will cause you to lose the friendship you so dearly fought for and won.

If you really like this tutor and you think the feelings are mutual, you should talk to him about it. Be honest and open with him, and hopefully you will receive the same treatment in return. Keep in mind, though, that your tutor is in a bit more of a precarious situation than you, as he has a year of delicious dining hall epicurean delights at stake. So, don’t take anything too personally: this is more than just about the two of you.

In the end, if you discuss the difficulties that this situation could pose, it seems that the most practical and least sketchy decision is to carry on a friendship and hold off on something more until you are submerged in more comfortable circumstances.

One more important thing to watch out for here: the power imbalance inherent in the resident tutor structure (or TF structure, for that matter). The tutor is meant to be an adult figure, and regardless of how things seem now, you will experience—and others will perceive—a profound inequality in whatever romantic relationship may follow.

In sum, this is not something to experiment with. Don’t try this at home.

Sincerely,

Nikki, who has not had this problem as both of her tutors have been females with fiancées.