Hilary Duff is a loser and a chicken. For all her supposed “fame,” our new (extension) freshman princess refuses to join thefacebook(forextensionschools).com and compete with all the other (extension) students out there for the most (extension) friends. Man-up (extension) Duff. It’s one thing to say you go to Harvard (extension), but it’s another to live la vida Harvard (extension).

Have you, par exemple, been punched by the Bee (extension) Club? Or attended the Daedalus (extension) Final (extension) Club [correction: Daedalus (extension) is not a Final (extension) Club; see New York Times, Feb. 20, 2005]. OK, so maybe you’re not “cool.” Whatever. Not everyone gets to hang out at the super-sexist-and-(extension) elitist Porcellian (extension) Club. Maybe the (extension) Owl is more to your tastes.

Setting aside all these super cool (extension) social organization that you (uncool) are not a part of, what else do you do at Harvard (extension)? Maybe that blonde at the protest against University (not extension) President Lawrence H. Summers was you. Maybe not. But if it was, did you ever consider his feelings? Probably not. Whatever. Also, are you considering declaring a science (extension) concentration? It would look really good for Harvard (extension and not extension).

More important than your lack of Harvard (extension) life credentials is your failure to make the right decision when it comes to higher (extension) education. You should have gone to Yale (extension or not extension; wait, is there a Yale not extension?). Someone forgot to tell you about the caveat about dropping the H-(extension)-bomb. Namely, if you’re a member of the fairer sex, it doesn’t work. Case in point—Natalie Portman ’03 (not extension): single. Barbara Bush (Yale ’04, not extension): hot.

Enough (extension) Duff. We (not extension) call a truce. So you told people you were going to Harvard (ambiguous). It’s Harvard (extension), which (disclaimer) by the way is a perfectly great option for education. Whatever.