Make your December alcoholism fun again with the “A Charlie Brown Christmas” drinking game.

The 1965 television special has been teaching the important holiday lessons for years. Charlie goes from juvenile depressive to play director, Linus goes from psychological problem child to biblical prophet, and the whole gang learns Christmas is about decorating puny trees.

If you need to keep your annoying cousins company after Christmas dinner, plop them in front of the TV, pop this into the DVD player, and break the seal on a bottle of gin.



TAKE A SHOT…



1. Every time Linus does something vaguely biblical—throwing his snowball with a slingshot a la David, being offered Sally as his wife in the Christmas play, delivering the word of the Lord, etc.

2. Every time Charlie Brown says something suggesting he’s on the verge of suicide—in other words, drink like you think Charlie Brown would if he could.

3. Every time Schroeder rebuffs Lucy’s advances. Pause the film; discuss how she deserves her loneliness after pulling that football shit so many times with Charlie. Two shots if an image of Schroeder and Lucy hooking up crosses your mind.

4. Every time Schroeder’s piano produces the sound of some absent instrument. Four shots if it sounds like a full jazz quartet.

5. Every time someone makes fun of Pigpen’s appearance; ponder why they keep picking on the kid that can’t afford soap.

6. Whenever you feel Charles Schultz gets too preachy in the script.

7. Every time a non-white character comes on screen. Prepare to end the night sober.

8. Reinforce your own crippling insecurity by taking a shot every time Linus retreats to his blanket.

9. Every time you’re confused as to why one of the most-merchandised holiday specials of the last 50 years keeps criticizing the commercialization of Christmas. After fourteenth such shot, throw bottle of Jack’s into nearby wall and dramatically look towards the heavens; shed single tear.